There was a lot of tension last week in WDYL06. Tension between Legend and Bears fans, tensions between WDYL and the Buff for being MIA as is par for the course, and tension between the right hemisphere of my brain, and the left hemisphere of my brain for making some really bad picks. That's no way to start the WDYL/NFL year.Despite all of the tension hanging in the air like a pair of recently descended testicles from a curious 13 year old boy standing naked in front of the mirror, I had a great week 1. Brats were eaten off MODS Foreman, the Buff not only showed up for the game, but brought killer chips and dip with him, the Black Egg and I shared a chorus of Danzig's cult (literally) hit "Mother", and last but not least, the Bears gored on Packer meat all afternoon long, all in HD. That's what football and this special time of year is about folks. Let's not forget it.
Nostaglia aside, I owe it to the entire goof troop that makes up WDYL to post a decent entry after last weeks shameful embarrasment. I already read hawkgngisgn, and there's no way I'm going to top that. Tip of the cap to you sir.
Falcors over the Largely Retirement Home Community
I don't think the Falcors are as good as they showed last week. And the Bucs may not be as bad. But one thing I do know, if the Bucs are that bad and they continue to suck it up all year, that stupid pirate ship in the stadium is going to look really, really, stupid. Kinda like when the poppular kid at school makes out with the ugly chick, and he suddenly looks like a "fag" on Monday. Poor bastard.
Bears over the Cowardly Lions
What I like about the Bears is that they have an all league D (based on last year and last week) the tradition, and those foam hands at Soldiers that are in the shape of a rigamortis claw. What I like about the Lions is that when I was in the sixth grade, some of the players went on a touring basketball show to high schools in Michicagan and I got an autograph from "The Terminator" Robert Porsche. Not enough for me to like.
Cin City over Poop Stains
To borrow an often used sports cliche, the Bengals "own these guys!"
Packers over the Sizaints
This could come back to haunt me, like the Ghost of Tom Joad did to Rage Against the Machine, but I gotta believe that they'll come out better prepared than they did last week.
45's over Sasparillas
Picking Mario Williams over Bush earns that franchise a lifetime in h-e-double hockey sticks. In ten years they will have upgraded to purgatory, but until then, they are forced to live in the fiery hell from wence they came. And why is Mario Williams always referred to as "Super Mario"? Has he had double digit sacks in a season? Cured cancer? Ducked into several sewer pipes on a quest to save a homely princess from a fire-breathing dragon/turtle like creature? Until then, he should be called "Bitch Williams" for taking that franchises' money and becoming a free agent as soon as he can. Biggest scam since Kaiser Sose.
Miami over Buttalo
The O-line of Buffalo will be so shocked to see all the pretty ladies on South Beach, that they won't even show up for the game. The "pretty" women of Buffalo are uglier than the "pretty" dumpters of Minnesota. I assume.
Giants over Mark Whalbergs
I don't think the Giants will lose for the second week in a row. Just like I don't believe it when someone tell me that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper but without the calories.
Ravines over Art Shell's Waistline
What the Raiders need to right their sinking ship is a guy who once was really talented, and provides tons of leadership. What's Moss' phone number?...
St. Lunatics over the Bay Area Reclamation Projects
The 9ers are better than last year, or so it seems. The Rams also look better than last year, or so that seems. What happens when to forces of equal and opposite things and stuff and scientific words collide? That's right. Boom goes the dynamite.
Zygi Wilf Nation over (Despera)Panthers
Credit where credit is due, the Vikes won a solid game last week. Played tough. But, the Panthers won't be the same without Steven A. Smith. They need him to yell obnoxiously at the other team. "Smoot! Hey Smoot! You can't cover me! The Secret Service couldn't cover me! Ya'll is haters! I take poops that are bigger than you! You can't handle the truth! Shaq is still the most dominant center ever! You don't know what you're talking about! AAHHH!"
Hawks over Cards
Everytime (almost) I pick the Hawks, they always let me down. They better not this time. You've been warned Holmgren.
Bacos over Trent Green's Pallbearers
Did he live through that? Poor guy.
Jets over Pats
OOOOOhhhhh. Going out on a limb here. Maybe if I pick a "tough" pick, I'll get some street cred from the WDYL powers that be. If they win, it's a "gutsy pick" and if I pick the Pats, I'm going with the "safe pick". I think it's a stupid pick, but I'm doing it anyways.
A Whale's Vagina over Jeff Fisher
Ron Burgundy suits up for this classis showdown and puts a bruisin on Vince Young. Neat-O gang!
Cowgirls over Skinny's
Bill Parcells is fatter. Joe Gibbs owns a racing team. Fat grease trumps car grease.
JAX over 2% Steel and 98% Heart
They're going to wish they had that extra 2% heart on the roster, because the Charlie Batch Experiment is going to fail worse that Crystal Pepsi.
2 comments:
Wow- National Treasure is back. I really appreciate all the finer points of that ranting, especially the part about Bitch Williams. That tugged at my heartstrings. I also picked the JETS over the Pats. What were we on? I was under the impression that it was coolaid mix, but apparently it was sweet delicious New York style crack.
They did give them a run for their money though. So I supposed it wasn't totally unfounded. I was trying to get the "only makes safe picks" monkey off my back.
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