THE DELL 4, NICHOLAS CAGE WEEK

This week I go up against National Treasure, a worthy opponent. I’ve noticed that we tend to pick the same games almost every week and have for the last 3 seasons, and now in one on one combat I have to take a few gambles. Plus, last week was such a bust I can’t really loose- I can only get better. Therefore, to honor National Treasure and his namesake, I will pick this weeks’ games according to the film career of Nicholas Cage, the esteemed actor who we all know and love. Here goes.


HOTLANTA over ARIZOOONA in “Raising Arizona”
Atlanta will be back and ready to show they didn’t really loose to the saints- that was all just a big misunderstanding. I fully expect a crushing here as the Falcors teach the little baby cards a little lesson in asswhoopin. By the way, my favorite Nick Cage movie… also includes the lone biker of the apocalypse.

BROKEBACKS over TEETS
INDY over J.E.T.S. in “The Wickerman” and “The Weatherman”
Just like these were 2 movies that nobody saw or cared about because they were lame, these 2 games wont stand out as anything special I pick both road teams in big wins. Just imagine the Tuna coming onto the field with a bow and arrow strapped across his chest, further accentuating his cleavage for all.

TEXARCANA over MIAMO in “Matchstick Men”
Wow, a great film. Basically all the characters are low life conmen in on a job that isn’t what it seems. What parallels for this pathetic game between 2 pathetic teams. One of them has to win.

The PURP over BARFELLO in “FACE/OFF”
I remember seeing this John Woo awkwardly violent action flic in the theater- I was entertained because it sucked so bad and walked out quoting John Travolta’s one liners. This movie is right up there with “Broken Arrow”. Anyway, Antoine Winfield and Big Pat Williams defected from Barfello to the Purp. They switched teams and now they want vengeance. The only way this game could be more like Face/Off would be if the teams swapped uniforms (and faces) for the game.

PANTELONES over NAWLINS in “National Treasure”
The Aints have done the impossible and improbable, “stealing the declaration of independence” by starting 3-0. Likewise, the Pants have been snubbed big time. This movie drove me nuts because the map and all the clues kept changing hands from Nick Cage to Boromir over and over and over. You really can’t figure out who has the upper hand. The Pants have got to win at home. The Saints have got to keep the streak going. I’m betten the pants find Ben Franklin’s glasses first in this back and forth battle.

SAN DIABLO over RAVEENS in “Lord of War”
Didn’t see the movie, heard it was alright. I’m just seeing a real battle here between a dang good offence and a dang good defense. Something has to crack.

NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBAL LEADERS over SAINT FRANCIS in “Windtalkers”
The whole point of this movie, besides the awkward Swartzenegger style slow-mo violence and john woo direction, is that there’s something special about those crazy injuns, mainly, their crazy language and breaking WWII codes and crap. I figured the chefs were done went Trent “Mr. Concussion” Green went down, but you know, there’s just something special there.


SAN LOUIS over MOTORCITY KITTYS in “The Family Man”
My wife made me rent this one, and while I was pissed that I had to watch a chick flick she also let me buy a case of Beer, which was a fare trade. This movie tugged at my heartstrings… imagine if you had a vision of how good your life would be if you’d made a different decision in the past. Well, Detroit isn’t that team. They really suck, and maybe if Matt Millon hadn’t drafted a slow receiver every draft since 2000, the Lions could be ramming this game up the lowly butt holes of the rams- take that back that’s not a good image. Rams win.

POOPSTAINS over POISON OAK in “City of Angels”
This game is the definitive picture of bad football, just like this movie is the definitive picture of bad theology. Nick Cage plays an angel who falls in love with Meg Ryan and sacrifices eternal life in heaven to have sexual relations. Wow. Oakland might not be the city of angels, but its close enough. Art Shell needs to go back to working at Jiffy Lube. Remember that GooGooDolls song that was a huge hit from this movie? Contemplate the 2006 Raiders and sing with me: “I Don’t Want the world to see me….”. Yah, don’t worry, we don’t want to see you. Go Browns.

JAG-U-ARES over RACIST SLURS in “Snake Eyes”
Lets face it, Anytime we see Clinton Portis with his helmet off and his bright orange Mohawk we feel like going to Vegas. Like Snake eyes, this game is the big event and JAX is going to kill someone. They got lots to prove after an off week and the redskins are due for another loss. We’ll go with the Jags and let Nick Cage run around the stadium level past the food vendors in his snake skin jacket screaming one liners.
SINCI BUNGLES over NEWUNGLIND in “Con Air”
Ahhh, a cheesy Michael Bay movie. Lets face it, anytime you play the Bungles you’re basically playing a bunch of ferocious convicts escaped from prison. Carson Palmer plays the Nick Cage role here as the one prisoner who has morals and dashing good looks (?!?). Remember that gay guy prancing around in the dress and Steve Buchemmi as the sicko pervert? Yah, I can’t think of parallels either.

DA BERS over SEATAC in “The Rock”
Ahhhhhh, yet another cheesy Michael Bay movie. Game of the week here- Like “The Rock” it should feature lots of nonstop action, unnecessary gruesome deaths, and green balls that release poisonous gas. I have to go with Chi town because they are at home, they have a much better pass rush, and Shaun Alexander will be out. Look for Mike Holmgren poking a huge syringe into his heart by the fourth quarter.

UGLIES over DRUNKEN WISCONSINITES in “Gone in 60 Seconds”.
That’s about how long it will take ESPN to realize that they still have to broadcast 3 and a half hours of a blowout, and they better get to Kornhiesers hilarious antics fast.

And to honor the bye teams so they don't feel left out

TAMPON BAY and the GENTS in “Adaptation”
Nick Cage plays twins Ronde and Tiki Barber, and one of them gets eaten by a croc on an orchid farm.