My homage to Chi-town…
I love the Falcors in Hotlanta!!! No, I’m not a big Falcors fan, but I do love the stuffed Falcon in the field museum. Is there anything creepier than the 1960’s scenery they stick those stuffed animals in? The best part about the field museum is that it only costs 35 bucks to be surrounded by snot-nosed kids on field trips and go to exhibits that are decades old. Falcors by 10!!!
I love the Boys over the teets!!! The Dallas Cowboys are not to be confused with northern Chicago holler “Boys town”. If they put in one more vintage clothing store in Boys town, I’m going to have to stop shopping at the Dairy Queen there (Yeah, Hans, it’s a really wired DQ, but at least I found one within 20 miles). Boys by 13!!!
I love the Colts in NY!!! The commercial equivalent to Indianapolis’ Peyton would by Chicago Connie Payton, wife of the late Walter (moment of silence). That women is everywhere. Every breast cancer walk, Blues fest, and PBS fundraiser. Peyton by 14!!!
I love the Texans at home to win one!!! Houston is the only city fatter than Chicago in the US. The emblems of fatness in CHGO is the Taste of Chicago in late June. Katie and I went two years ago, and after spending 14 bucks on a chipotle crab cake at two mozzarella sticks, we sat frustrated on a park bench. All of a sudden we noticed that every male looked like Jabba the Hut and every women looked like George Wendt. I started to have visions of mass heart attacks and we left. Houston by 3!!!
I love the Vikes in Buffalo!!! Tough game to pick. Speaking of Buffalo, I asked one of my Southside, African-American friends to point me to the best grub on the Southside. He recommended Kurt’s Chicken, so my buddy Greg and I went. As we traveled to somewhere around 81st and Vicennes and walked into Kurt’s, we immediately noticed that we didn’t fit in. We were the only honkies in the place and everyone looked at us like we farted at the same time. The Buffalo wings were out of this world though. Vikes by 6!!!
I love the Pants in Carolina!!!! You think Delhomme’s TD celebrations are crazy? Try riding a Chicago bus. I once saw a lady talking on a cell phone to her sister about getting evicted from her apartment. The only thing was that when she turned towards me it was clear that she wasn’t on a cell phone and infact she was holding her thumb and pinky finger up to her left temple as if it were a phone. I love crazies by 9!!!
I love the Bolts over the Ravens!!! Game of the week easy! Once when I was in Evanston I saw a guy with a grizzly Adams beard, red lipstick, a pink and green polka dot dress, and Teva sandals just walking around. That’s a nancy boy. He would last long in this game. Bolts by 8!!!
I love the Chiefs over the 9ers!!!! I love at Illinois hoops games when chief Illinowik comes out and does his mildly offense defense. Then I really love how all the power-driven-undies-in-a-bunch Chicago female politicians take a hard stance against the beloved Chiefs in an obviously ploy to get downstate voters. Like you’ve even ever been to Champange/Urbana you Yawtches!!! Chiefs by 6!!!
I love the Rams in St. Louie!!! I love the Cubs cards rivalry. Now, I listen to the Cubs, watch the Cubs, it’s just something you do on the north side – but does anybody else agree that they are the most overrated fans ever? I bet if a game got cancelled because of rain, there would be 600 guys in Dave Matthews T-shirts with barbedwire tattoos sitting the bleachers drunk by 1:30. They wouldn’t even notice there was no game until the bartender told them at the cubby bear across the street. Rams by 11!!!
I love the Brownies in Oaktown!!! I love the Brown line. I play guess the nationality between Kimball and Western until all the 20-something-daddy-is-playing-my-rent-and-cell-phone-bill yups come on board. It’s always an entertaining ride. And, Dr. Richard Kimball broke a window and climbed out of a brown-line car onto the Wellington stop. Pretty cool! Browns by 10!!!!
I love the Jags in DC!!! Former Jag DT John Jurkovic is a sports-talk celebrity on sports radio in Chicago. Thick Chicago accent, poor grammar, says bastard all the time. He’s a great rant waiting to happen. Jags by 3!!!
I love the Bengallis at home over the Pats!!! Would love to pick my Pats in this one, but just can’t do it after the loss to the B’cos. Carson Palmer sounds like pretty much any 14 year old scruffy haired kid in Lake or Dupage county. The Lake or Dupage Carson plays field hockey, like shrimp, and aspires to live in Wrigleyville after their marketing degree at Northwestern. I just hurled. Bengs by 7!!!
I love the Bears over Seattle!! There home, it’s supposed to rain. That’s a Bear’s W. And let me tell you what the best things about Chicago is. No matter where you are you are no more than 16 feet away from a Dunkin Donuts. I love their coffee, their double chocolate donuts, a Sausage egg and cheese crossaint, or a bin of 50 munckins. I mean, where the hell are DD’s in MSP? I bet I average 2.3 DD appearances a week. I love it, and I love the Bears by 3!!!
I love the Ugglies over the Pack!! Philly can keep their Steak sandwiches, I love the Chicago dog with celery salt. I suggest Huey’s in Andersonville. They treat you like crap and have airbrushed murals that are below average. Philly by 12!!!!
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2 comments:
Brother, have we ever picked the exact same lineup before? Why havn't you picked the Jets to beat the colts, or the pats to skunk the bungles? I don't believe this is you.... are you being held hostage right now?
ps: It's even creepier that all the stuffed animals in the field museum come from late 1800's specimen gathering hunting expeditions. ew. That's why you can see holes through the lips and chucks of hair falling out.
I'm so dang jealous of you Lards for the Dunkin Donuts you have down there. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about making the 7 hour trip for a Chocolate Long John and a chocolate milk to go with it.
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