Get Off Your Can You Silly Goose

It's late(r) Saturday night and I nearly forgot to make my picks. Liz and I just got home from seeing the latest Kevin Costner-Ashton Kutcher epic "The Guardian" (relax, we had a free ticket), and right now to be truthful, all I really want to do is drink my Russian Tea and play Age of Empires III while Liz watches a recorded 20/20 episode of The Crocodile Hunter. But, last week was a weak attempt at an entry, and I promised I'd do better this week. I owe Slashdell that much. He's a good sport and we've eaten mash potatoes and gravy in the MA teachers lounge before so, you know, we're practically related. So I'll get off my can this week and make a decent entry, or at least try to.

Alge Crumpler's Big A over the Cards

Two teams with bad names. Because of Alge's fat A, they should be called the Altanta Big Momma's Houses. And, I didn't think there were any Cardinals in Arizona. They should be called the Arizona Road Runners, or, the Arizona Retired and Sagging Breasts.

Antoine Winfield Doesn't Make Mistakes over Dick Jauron Death Watch

At some point this year I predict Jauron will collapse on the field and croak. Nobody will even notice until after the game when they scoop him up and turn him into animal slurry.

Terrell Owens Suicide Watch over The Not the Only Tens I See

Somewhere in Crazyville, AKA Dallas, TO and John Thierry are holed up sitting in diapers and playing Pinnocle.

Kansas City Royals over San Francisco Giants

The Giants were on to a good thing before Frank Gore was injured, but now that he's out, they're screwed.

Indianapolis Pubescent Horses over the New York Blah Blah Blahs

Chap Pennington looks like a good kid.

N.O. over the Cats of North Carolina

The Panthers are going to the SuperBowl. If Dan Morgan doesn't have anymore concussions that lead to brain tumors, if Steve Smith's hamstring isn't more tender than a Jewish pot roast, if Keyshawn Johnson doesn't write another book, if Jake Delhomme isn't bad, if John Fox doesn't call anymore stupid tosses, if North Carolina doesn't secede from the nation over state's rights (not slavery) and if the Hurricanes don't win anymore Stanley Cups, they'll win the Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure.

Bill Cosby's Favorte Team over It's Always 68 Degrees here.

Baltimore has a realy good defense, and a really high crime rate. Fans in their stadium pack heat. It's not the defense oppossing teams fear, it's getting capped from Ray Ray in section 101, row H, seat 14. OK, maybe not just Ray Ray, that was racist. Ray Ray and Jim. They're afraid of Ray Ray and Jim.

Tex Mex over Miami's Finest

Going out on a limb here, but Daunte sucks and he's fat, so he'll break that limb.

St. Louis over Detroit.

Rams will win, Lions will not.

Cats with Stripes over Pats

If these two teams were Broadway shows, one would be the longest running show on Broadway of all time, and one would be a show about an ambiguous and sexually confused person.

Poopy McPoops-A-Lot over Raduuhhs

Battle of the Bulge. This game is decided on the dinner table as Romeo Crennel and Art Shell duke it out. Unfortuneatly, Kobayashi wins in a landslide, again.

Jx over Warsh

What's with some people calling it Warsh? You can't warsh the clothes or your car. Idiots.

Bears over Holmgren

The Bears will win because Holmgren will be in the locker room the whole game watching the Battle of the Bulge on NFL Pass wishing he was there.

Green Machine over Greean Machine

The Packers will lose this game, the same way the world lost Steve Irwin. By a manta ray with spikes in it's tail.....carried by Donovan McNabb.

Howncs' Eye Lickin Pickin

My computer crashed 11 days ago and have not had one since. Do I want a prize for accomplishing some decent rant power while sitting in a computer lab listening to a sweaty girl hack phlegm all over her screen? No. Do I want one week to steep to Buff level and do what I call a “too cool to rant” move? Yes. Week 4 will be a “I’m too cool to rant” week and I would appreciate some understanding. Also I will never use a public computer without afterwards promptly washing my entire body in a similar manner as when Bruce Willis’ naked body was scrubbed by those futuristic Nazi’s in !2 Monkey’s. If only it had been brad pitts naked body. Freakin’ Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take note Buff: at least have an excuse, or some pre-pic paragraph rant like this. We love you and want to nuzzle in your sun burned humor, and wacky antics. Also I will hopefully be getting a Rad computer on Monday, so get ready for some Photoshop. You can run photoshop on Speak’n’Spell right? (I swear, freakin’ hilarious man, I mean where did I come up with that? SpeakinSpell. Un believable. You all thought I was gonna say some awesome computer with Ram and Meganits and stuff. But instead I threw the whole speak’nspell thing in there. I mean that thing sucked. You couldn’t even do Myspace on that.) I love you all deeply, more, infact, deeply than you will ever know, My love for you is like waking up in a tent to a bear licking your eye, and placing its paw upon your heart and holding you down while he licks your eye. No mauling, just licking, and making a whimpering noise.

Atlanta vs Xona
I love Tlanta

MN vs Buffticles
I love MN even though sometimes I wonder if I should start siding on Bill Waltons side as far as MN teams are concerned.

Hous vs Miam
I love Miami

Indi vs Jets
I love Indi.

St,L vs Detriments
I love St Loisu

Cleve vs Oak
I love Cleve

Chic vs Seatt
I love Chicago. I guess I do live here don’t I, in this gigantic college town?

Sandi vs Balt
I love Snadi Aigo

Carol vs NewOh
I love Carol

KC vs SanFra
I love KC

Dallas Vs Tennis E
I love Dallas

Cinci vs NewEngl
I love Cinci

Wash vs Jacks
I love Jacks

Phili vs GB
I love Phili

Legend: Week 4 signing in

My homage to Chi-town…

I love the Falcors in Hotlanta!!! No, I’m not a big Falcors fan, but I do love the stuffed Falcon in the field museum. Is there anything creepier than the 1960’s scenery they stick those stuffed animals in? The best part about the field museum is that it only costs 35 bucks to be surrounded by snot-nosed kids on field trips and go to exhibits that are decades old. Falcors by 10!!!

I love the Boys over the teets!!! The Dallas Cowboys are not to be confused with northern Chicago holler “Boys town”. If they put in one more vintage clothing store in Boys town, I’m going to have to stop shopping at the Dairy Queen there (Yeah, Hans, it’s a really wired DQ, but at least I found one within 20 miles). Boys by 13!!!

I love the Colts in NY!!! The commercial equivalent to Indianapolis’ Peyton would by Chicago Connie Payton, wife of the late Walter (moment of silence). That women is everywhere. Every breast cancer walk, Blues fest, and PBS fundraiser. Peyton by 14!!!

I love the Texans at home to win one!!! Houston is the only city fatter than Chicago in the US. The emblems of fatness in CHGO is the Taste of Chicago in late June. Katie and I went two years ago, and after spending 14 bucks on a chipotle crab cake at two mozzarella sticks, we sat frustrated on a park bench. All of a sudden we noticed that every male looked like Jabba the Hut and every women looked like George Wendt. I started to have visions of mass heart attacks and we left. Houston by 3!!!

I love the Vikes in Buffalo!!! Tough game to pick. Speaking of Buffalo, I asked one of my Southside, African-American friends to point me to the best grub on the Southside. He recommended Kurt’s Chicken, so my buddy Greg and I went. As we traveled to somewhere around 81st and Vicennes and walked into Kurt’s, we immediately noticed that we didn’t fit in. We were the only honkies in the place and everyone looked at us like we farted at the same time. The Buffalo wings were out of this world though. Vikes by 6!!!

I love the Pants in Carolina!!!! You think Delhomme’s TD celebrations are crazy? Try riding a Chicago bus. I once saw a lady talking on a cell phone to her sister about getting evicted from her apartment. The only thing was that when she turned towards me it was clear that she wasn’t on a cell phone and infact she was holding her thumb and pinky finger up to her left temple as if it were a phone. I love crazies by 9!!!

I love the Bolts over the Ravens!!! Game of the week easy! Once when I was in Evanston I saw a guy with a grizzly Adams beard, red lipstick, a pink and green polka dot dress, and Teva sandals just walking around. That’s a nancy boy. He would last long in this game. Bolts by 8!!!

I love the Chiefs over the 9ers!!!! I love at Illinois hoops games when chief Illinowik comes out and does his mildly offense defense. Then I really love how all the power-driven-undies-in-a-bunch Chicago female politicians take a hard stance against the beloved Chiefs in an obviously ploy to get downstate voters. Like you’ve even ever been to Champange/Urbana you Yawtches!!! Chiefs by 6!!!

I love the Rams in St. Louie!!! I love the Cubs cards rivalry. Now, I listen to the Cubs, watch the Cubs, it’s just something you do on the north side – but does anybody else agree that they are the most overrated fans ever? I bet if a game got cancelled because of rain, there would be 600 guys in Dave Matthews T-shirts with barbedwire tattoos sitting the bleachers drunk by 1:30. They wouldn’t even notice there was no game until the bartender told them at the cubby bear across the street. Rams by 11!!!

I love the Brownies in Oaktown!!! I love the Brown line. I play guess the nationality between Kimball and Western until all the 20-something-daddy-is-playing-my-rent-and-cell-phone-bill yups come on board. It’s always an entertaining ride. And, Dr. Richard Kimball broke a window and climbed out of a brown-line car onto the Wellington stop. Pretty cool! Browns by 10!!!!

I love the Jags in DC!!! Former Jag DT John Jurkovic is a sports-talk celebrity on sports radio in Chicago. Thick Chicago accent, poor grammar, says bastard all the time. He’s a great rant waiting to happen. Jags by 3!!!

I love the Bengallis at home over the Pats!!! Would love to pick my Pats in this one, but just can’t do it after the loss to the B’cos. Carson Palmer sounds like pretty much any 14 year old scruffy haired kid in Lake or Dupage county. The Lake or Dupage Carson plays field hockey, like shrimp, and aspires to live in Wrigleyville after their marketing degree at Northwestern. I just hurled. Bengs by 7!!!

I love the Bears over Seattle!! There home, it’s supposed to rain. That’s a Bear’s W. And let me tell you what the best things about Chicago is. No matter where you are you are no more than 16 feet away from a Dunkin Donuts. I love their coffee, their double chocolate donuts, a Sausage egg and cheese crossaint, or a bin of 50 munckins. I mean, where the hell are DD’s in MSP? I bet I average 2.3 DD appearances a week. I love it, and I love the Bears by 3!!!

I love the Ugglies over the Pack!! Philly can keep their Steak sandwiches, I love the Chicago dog with celery salt. I suggest Huey’s in Andersonville. They treat you like crap and have airbrushed murals that are below average. Philly by 12!!!!

THE DELL 4, NICHOLAS CAGE WEEK

This week I go up against National Treasure, a worthy opponent. I’ve noticed that we tend to pick the same games almost every week and have for the last 3 seasons, and now in one on one combat I have to take a few gambles. Plus, last week was such a bust I can’t really loose- I can only get better. Therefore, to honor National Treasure and his namesake, I will pick this weeks’ games according to the film career of Nicholas Cage, the esteemed actor who we all know and love. Here goes.


HOTLANTA over ARIZOOONA in “Raising Arizona”
Atlanta will be back and ready to show they didn’t really loose to the saints- that was all just a big misunderstanding. I fully expect a crushing here as the Falcors teach the little baby cards a little lesson in asswhoopin. By the way, my favorite Nick Cage movie… also includes the lone biker of the apocalypse.

BROKEBACKS over TEETS
INDY over J.E.T.S. in “The Wickerman” and “The Weatherman”
Just like these were 2 movies that nobody saw or cared about because they were lame, these 2 games wont stand out as anything special I pick both road teams in big wins. Just imagine the Tuna coming onto the field with a bow and arrow strapped across his chest, further accentuating his cleavage for all.

TEXARCANA over MIAMO in “Matchstick Men”
Wow, a great film. Basically all the characters are low life conmen in on a job that isn’t what it seems. What parallels for this pathetic game between 2 pathetic teams. One of them has to win.

The PURP over BARFELLO in “FACE/OFF”
I remember seeing this John Woo awkwardly violent action flic in the theater- I was entertained because it sucked so bad and walked out quoting John Travolta’s one liners. This movie is right up there with “Broken Arrow”. Anyway, Antoine Winfield and Big Pat Williams defected from Barfello to the Purp. They switched teams and now they want vengeance. The only way this game could be more like Face/Off would be if the teams swapped uniforms (and faces) for the game.

PANTELONES over NAWLINS in “National Treasure”
The Aints have done the impossible and improbable, “stealing the declaration of independence” by starting 3-0. Likewise, the Pants have been snubbed big time. This movie drove me nuts because the map and all the clues kept changing hands from Nick Cage to Boromir over and over and over. You really can’t figure out who has the upper hand. The Pants have got to win at home. The Saints have got to keep the streak going. I’m betten the pants find Ben Franklin’s glasses first in this back and forth battle.

SAN DIABLO over RAVEENS in “Lord of War”
Didn’t see the movie, heard it was alright. I’m just seeing a real battle here between a dang good offence and a dang good defense. Something has to crack.

NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBAL LEADERS over SAINT FRANCIS in “Windtalkers”
The whole point of this movie, besides the awkward Swartzenegger style slow-mo violence and john woo direction, is that there’s something special about those crazy injuns, mainly, their crazy language and breaking WWII codes and crap. I figured the chefs were done went Trent “Mr. Concussion” Green went down, but you know, there’s just something special there.


SAN LOUIS over MOTORCITY KITTYS in “The Family Man”
My wife made me rent this one, and while I was pissed that I had to watch a chick flick she also let me buy a case of Beer, which was a fare trade. This movie tugged at my heartstrings… imagine if you had a vision of how good your life would be if you’d made a different decision in the past. Well, Detroit isn’t that team. They really suck, and maybe if Matt Millon hadn’t drafted a slow receiver every draft since 2000, the Lions could be ramming this game up the lowly butt holes of the rams- take that back that’s not a good image. Rams win.

POOPSTAINS over POISON OAK in “City of Angels”
This game is the definitive picture of bad football, just like this movie is the definitive picture of bad theology. Nick Cage plays an angel who falls in love with Meg Ryan and sacrifices eternal life in heaven to have sexual relations. Wow. Oakland might not be the city of angels, but its close enough. Art Shell needs to go back to working at Jiffy Lube. Remember that GooGooDolls song that was a huge hit from this movie? Contemplate the 2006 Raiders and sing with me: “I Don’t Want the world to see me….”. Yah, don’t worry, we don’t want to see you. Go Browns.

JAG-U-ARES over RACIST SLURS in “Snake Eyes”
Lets face it, Anytime we see Clinton Portis with his helmet off and his bright orange Mohawk we feel like going to Vegas. Like Snake eyes, this game is the big event and JAX is going to kill someone. They got lots to prove after an off week and the redskins are due for another loss. We’ll go with the Jags and let Nick Cage run around the stadium level past the food vendors in his snake skin jacket screaming one liners.
SINCI BUNGLES over NEWUNGLIND in “Con Air”
Ahhh, a cheesy Michael Bay movie. Lets face it, anytime you play the Bungles you’re basically playing a bunch of ferocious convicts escaped from prison. Carson Palmer plays the Nick Cage role here as the one prisoner who has morals and dashing good looks (?!?). Remember that gay guy prancing around in the dress and Steve Buchemmi as the sicko pervert? Yah, I can’t think of parallels either.

DA BERS over SEATAC in “The Rock”
Ahhhhhh, yet another cheesy Michael Bay movie. Game of the week here- Like “The Rock” it should feature lots of nonstop action, unnecessary gruesome deaths, and green balls that release poisonous gas. I have to go with Chi town because they are at home, they have a much better pass rush, and Shaun Alexander will be out. Look for Mike Holmgren poking a huge syringe into his heart by the fourth quarter.

UGLIES over DRUNKEN WISCONSINITES in “Gone in 60 Seconds”.
That’s about how long it will take ESPN to realize that they still have to broadcast 3 and a half hours of a blowout, and they better get to Kornhiesers hilarious antics fast.

And to honor the bye teams so they don't feel left out

TAMPON BAY and the GENTS in “Adaptation”
Nick Cage plays twins Ronde and Tiki Barber, and one of them gets eaten by a croc on an orchid farm.

Buf - Week 3

Skins over Tex Mex
Jets riding the Buffalos
Green Bay over the cowardly lion
Colts over Jax
Bears beating Vikes--Easily the best game of the week. Bears 31-Vikes-24
Tenn over Miamib
Cinci over Pitt
Carolina over tbay
Balt over Dog pound
Seattle over Giants
St. Louis over Zona
Phili over SF
NE over Denver

Nawlens over Atlanta (Moral victory)

Lem-T: A Case Study in Forgetting to Pick a Game

Bills over Jets - NY is no match for NY on "the frozen tundra of Ralph Wilson stadium, which is only frozen not because that's the prevailing climate, but because is sits immediately on Lake Erie and thus suffers climatalogical conditions causing large, quick accumulations of snow, called 'lake effect,' and high winds with a high moisture content."

NateDell Slashburg: A Case Study in Helplessness

Natedell becomes the third to succomb to my evil genius.

Kitties over Aaarrrgh! - Poor Christopher Geraldo Simms will spend this game running for his life before approaching nice guy Ronde Barber for a shoulder to cry on. Chucky's face explodes.

Bears over Vikes - I want to pick the Vikes, I really do, but I just can't. In other news, Lavender magazine, they of the "Bring out your inner gay" slogan plastered on buses, names the Vikes uniforms "Worst fashion attrocity of the last 25 years" just ahead of the Don Johnson "Loafers with no socks" fiasco.

Bungels over Ringers playing for Iron Workers - Chad Johnson said people are going to pay for the hit he took last week from ex-Vike Brian Russell that knocked him senseless. My sources tell me that Lewis puts him in at CB and sends him on a blitz to retaliate and take out the knee of the Steelers key offensive player, Alan Faneca.

Pretty Kitties over Meatmen - A riveting matchup in The House That Barry Would've Built If He Hadn't Hated Wayne Fontes. Frankly, I just don't care.

Indy over Jax - Fat Byron and his side kick Mushmouth, played by John Henderson, can't compete after a desperate Archie Manning orders a hit on Fred Taylor's groin.

Fins over Titties - Just because Saban wears that crazy old man hate during practice.

Skins over Sacks - Just before the game, Dan Snyder acquires Bennie Joppru as a backup TE for a first-rounder, a fourth-rounder, and $2 million.

Nevermore over Totally Incorrect Color - Kellen Winslow fires up Ray Lewis by telling him before the game, "You think you can take me? My daddy pays little girls like you not to hurt me all the time. I'm going to whip your little tush." Ray tears off his leg, slow roasts it with a honey barbecue glaze, and enjoys it in the second half after the Browns are down by 32.

S-hawks over Oversized Homosapiens - This is the week that all of Jay Feely's offseason tackling work pays off.

Iggles over 9ers - San Fran brought me great glory last week. This week they'll just bring me embarassment after I realize that I shrunk all their uniforms in the wash.

Hoyle over Silly Goats - In the bottle of Kurt Warner Cybertron 2000 vs. Kurt Warner Clone Cybertron v.4, how can you pick against the original. It's like comparing Lethal Weapon 2 to Lethal Weapon 4 with motherf_____ Chris Rock. Best to just leave perfection alone.

Patriot Act over Plumber Act - Where's a young Tommy Maddox when you need him?

Falcors over Aints - N.O. has everything going for them this week. Emotion. Homefield. Familiarity. The fact that there's not a hurricane destroying everything again. Everything, that is, except a defense.

Just like Andy who's been locked up in Shawshank unjustly for far too many years, it's time I get a little redemption this week. Fortunately for me, it will come at the expense of my freshmen roomate and underdog extrodinnaire, Legend Lars. This will have to be a delicate rant against Legend. Rant too much, and my insensitive self won't be able to win rant of the week due to the fact that I am at the mercy of the Legend's/Commish's discretion. Rant too little and my head will be stuffed and mounted next to the Buff's over a fireplace mantel while a mechanical dancing groundhog shimmy's and shakes in the corner. This holds the delicacy of a Catholic Priest sending home permission slips with the alter boys to have a Friday night sleepover at the Parish (Catholics down, inappropraite jokes about the Jews and black jokes to go!), but I'll try and be as civil as possible.



Constantly on Strike Mechanics over Animals I'm Pretty Sure Don't Really Exist in This Region Anyways
Last week I picked the Jets over the Pats as my "statement" game to show that picking smart is better than picking the risk. Well, that came back to bite me in the butt as MOD and I had a good showdown goin on. The Jets played the Pats tough last week and since Jauron won't be at the game due to the fact that he lost his teeth under the bed and he needs to go soul searching to find a new host body to replace his rotting looking corpse of a vessel he currently uses, the Bills will lose this one.

Animals I'm Pretty Sure Don't REally Exist in This Region Anyways Volume II over Most Confusing Name for a Proffesional Football Team
What do things two teams have in common? The stink worse than Legends feet. Eeww. Gross.

.45's over Florida's Most Forgotten Team
Am I the onyl one who is astounded by Byron Leftwich's performance in Good Burger? I mean serisously. I knew he could throw the long ball, but acting chops? Never.

Aquatic Intelligence over The ?'s
Daunte sucks. I hate Daunte, but, I think Saban is a decent coach. That's it.

Bears over Mustacios'
This is the single event I've been waiting for all week. It's like openning Christmas presents. How can the Bears lose to a team with a head coach who looks like this:

And now, what seems as though a roll is what I was on must come to an end. Rant point be damned. My wife is returning shortyl with Chipotle and we need to watch a movie I promised. So, in un-humurous conclusion, the rest of my picks are:

Cincy

Panthers

Skins

Ravens

Cards

Eagles

Hawks

Pats

Falcors

MysteryMan week 3

Sorry I didn't know I was still in the league. At least, Tim told me I was.Here's some picks if you need them:

Carolina over TBChicago over MINPit over CincinnDet over GBJax over INDBuf over NYJMIA over TennWash over HOUBal over ClevSea over NYGPHI over SFSTL over ArizDEN over NEATL over NO

Sobol

Harunathon slings gold -4 mana

For week tres, I will be using Family Guy style humor. I like this show but come on, all the jokes are the same set up. Try telling a joke without some sort of flashback, comedy writers. Oh and Lars, nice Vlade reference.

Carolina @ Tampa
The Panthers defense. I haven’t seen this big of a let down since America’s Defense on 9/11. I love the Panthies.

Chicago @ Minnesota
The Chicago Queens. Watching the bears play is like moving to Chicago and realizing that they don’t have any dairy queens. What are they thinking? Lars, where is my mudslide blizzard? I love the Swedes to death.

Cincinnati @ Pitt
C. Palmer. I haven’t seen a fantasy style game character this good since I picked up Harunathon Atanokon in my online line Dungeons and Dragons fantasy game. And though C, Palmer may not have mana power 6+ or can hurl banchie boulders from Mount Portly, he sure is looking mighty fine in those 80’s style stripes. I love bungles.

GB @ Detroit
Green Bay Packers. I haven’t seen this many gays, lesbians, bis, or transsexuals since I started my GLBT after school support group. (God Loves Bunnies Too) Maybe I should rename it. I love Detriment lioneers.

Jackson @ Indiana
Jacksonville vs Indianapolis. I haven’t had this hard of a decision since the time I was in a Jamba Juice. Holy Crap those are good. I love JacksonVille brats.

NY Jerts @ Buff
The Jets. I haven’t seen a team name this strange since my team in 8th grade little league. We were the Corporate Office Products. No joke. We were all sponsored by a different company. I love the Buf and Buff.

Tenn @ Miami
These two teams: I haven’t seen bigger losers since Every single person ever on American idol. I love Myammie dull if ins.

Wash @ Houst
Houston: I haven’t had this hard of a time coming up with a joke since that time I had to m.c. the P.B.S. special Our Heroes; amputees and their struggle for freedom. I love the home team heroes Houston by 3

Balti @ cleve
Baltimore Defense: I haven’t seen a defense this good the Seven Samurai. I love the baltiMores

NY Ginats @ Seattle
Seattle; I haven’t seen a part of the country this cool since that time I visited WalDrug South Dakota. I love S hawks

Phili @ SanFran
This rant: I haven’t seen something trail off this much since Chevi Chases career. I love Eagles

St Loisu @ Arixona
Zona’s WR’s: I haven’t seen a WR combo this sweet since Houston Oilers Super Tecmo Style. Shot gun every play. I love Cards

Denver @ New England
New England: I haven’t seen an area of the country so concerned with itself since that time I went to NY. As the wiz once said. “I’m the Whiz, yes I’m the whiz, nobody beats me cause I’m the Whiz. I love Patrioholes.

Atlanta @ N Orleans
If Atlanta loses: I won’t be this disappointed since Deadwood was canceled. Greatest show ever!! I will miss you dirty whores, and Shakespearian curse laden dialect. I love Atlanta.

Dell week 3

Here Goes:

I LOVE CAROLINA at TAMPONVILLE! This galactic battle of the losers will be absolutely dominated by the Pantelones. Just contempate the insane pass rush on the purple O Line last week, and remember with reverence Brad Johnson's smart play as he was repeatedly raped violently by Julius Peppers. Now plug in Chris Simms.... ugly. I just got off the phone with retired 62 year old QB Jeff "-1 chromosome" George, and listen Gruden, he's ready and willing to make the comeback of the year.
I LOVE da BERS at da PURP! Would love to see the Bears go down here, but I have to pick them. I think this will be a low scoring ugly drawn out affair with most likely a fieldgoal ending.

I LOVE CINCI on the road at PITTS! Here's where the Bugles get payback for all the Hell the "Steal-ers" put em through all off season- kind of like when Michael Corlione in the Godfather wacks all the other crime bosses to settle the score once and for all and then has his brother in law strangled in the back of his car.... but without the gangsters, the deaths, the hitmen, the blood, the guns, the choke chord thing, any cars whatsoever, and wearing tight white with ugly orange and black stripe pants.

I LOVE the Motor City Kittys over the PACK!
I'd rather watch that Wealth Building informertial on UPN than this game, which is what I'll be doing is its on.

I LOVE INDY over JAX! Wow, another huge matchup. Jax just hasn't scored enough to convince me. I'm betting that the Cults can get a few more points and squeeze it out.

I LOVE BARFALO over the JETS! Ugly. Ugly game.
I LOVE MIAMO over the TEETS! If the Daunte blows this game, he'll be strung up by his whities outside the stadium. Either that, or the Phins Fans will start hurling vegetables like they do when somebody really sucks on stage in cartoons. Where do those vegetables come from? I mean, who brings celary and rotton tomatoes to a play?

I LOVE the HUTS over the REDSKINS! Houston is just like they've been every year, mildly decent with a chance of smokin another team every once in a while.

I LOVE the BALTS over the Skidmarks! Expect A High Scoring shootout!!! Does anyone really think Charlie Frye can be a starting QB in this league? I sure don't. It's kind of like when I was a kid and saw Captian EO at Epcot Center. Did anyone REALLY think Michael Jackson was a legit space captain with all the dancing and crotch grabbing and stuff? Actually, I think Lars did but he was only 6.


I LOVE The GIGALO GENTS to GET Sweet REVENGE in SEATAC! AJ Feely needs aboost of self esteem.

I Love the Uglies at Crusty Prospectors! Holy crap, this is taking forever to write and I'm gonna get fired.

I Love the Cards over the RAMRODS! I agree with Leg, I can't figure the Rams out. I'm starting to think they ain't so good.

I Love the PATS over DENVER OMLETTES!

I Love ATL over the Dainty Saints. Wow, too bad the NFL scheduled a good team for the first game back in floodville. Couldn't they have put the Titans, Packers or Lions in there?

later

Legend Signing in: Week 3

Hey National...Start the cheer, 0 and 3, 0 and 3, 0 and 3. This entry is for you.

I love the Bills over the JETS!!! This game should be brutal. Lots of D and sloppy offense. watching this game will feel not unlke waiting for Freebs to finish a dump.
I love the Lions over the Bills!!! I remember when Randy Shaver of KARE-11 sports was previewing a Lions/Purple game. His key to the game was "bottle up Barry". With the help of some really cheesy graphics he put a brown bottle over Barry Sanders as he ran the ball. What you were virtually watching was a brown bottle spin around, bounce off lineman and score a touchdown. It sort of didn't work with his point of the game, b/c if you bottle him up, he probably won't score all over you.
I love the Jags over the Colts!!! Identity forming game. Look for Peyton Manning to whine like a baby when he makes mistakes. Can somebody say Vlade Divac? When Vlade didn't get a foul call he made the exact same motions as Peyton does when he throws interceptions to Rashead Mathis.
I love the Fins over the Teets!!! Natedell, thanks for your posting on Duante. I'm with you, but Kerry Collins is like our dad. I have no confidence in him and his oversized helmet.
I love the Purple over the Bears!!! Alright, I'll try and pick up a game on Freebs here. Not only that, but I haven't picked the Vikes in the last two games, and I feel kinda bad. Home advantage, new look defense...yeah, I'm prime to miss this pick badly.
I love the Steel-crew over the Bungels!!! Steelers are a tough squad at home, and the Bengals haven't showed me enough to take them in a tough divisional game.
I love the Pants over the Bucs!!! Maybe the Pirate ship is bad luck. I know a good airport hanger, urgh, baseball stadium where they could play in Tampa.
I love the Texans in an upset special!!! The Redskins offense is atrocious. David Carr hasn't been that bad, and Mark Brunell is also my dad.
I love the Purple Birds over the Hershey Squirts!!! It's the battle of Franchise vs. Franchise once run by Carmen Policy. Doesn't Carmen Policy sound like the name of a John Grisham novel?
I love the Cards at home!!! Is there a wierder team right now than the Rams? Do they suck? Are they good? Who the hell would want to live in St. Louis anyways?
I love the 9ers over the Uglies!!! Not unlike when two dorm floors of guys ripped Freeburgs underwear into hundreds of pieces when he decided to get on the luggage rack of the Bethel College bus, this will be a total embarrasment for the Uglies. The difference is that they won't have to sit through Triple Espresso with no undies and leisions on thier ball sacs.
I love the G-men in Seattle!!! Wow, what a game here. Really hard to pick this one. I guess the Seahawks haven't shown me enough to think that they are really ready for this game. Look for Tom Coughlin to reveal himself as evil lord of darkness at some point in this game.
I love the Pats over the Bacos!!! CBSsportsline has the Pats at #2 in thier ranking. This is right where they should be. They have the best QB and best coach and they just win games. Look for Jake "my name is Earl" Plummer to get sacked by Vince "I just ate a small Asian family" Wilfork.
I love the Holy Ones over the Falcors!!! Yes, Vick has looked not unlike the might Falcor so far this year, but sympathy counts for something. I hope the Saints win and that Green Bay doesn't play the sentimentally charged "Time of your life" which would remind the good people of New Orleans that the last year of thier lives has been horrible. I'd love hear Kornheiser talk out of that awkward moment.

How Absolutely fantastic is it to see old Butterfingers back to his usual ways? He has smaller hands than my brother, and everytime Daunte funbles an angel gets his wings....

And here's the icing on the cake: The Phins fans are pleading for Joey Harrington. Fantastic.

Buf's post - Week 2

Miami over Buff
Vikes over Carolina
Cincinatti over Cleveland
Chicago over Detriot
Colts over Texans
Nawlens over GBEagles over Giants
Baltimore over Oakland
Atlanta over TB
Seattle over Zona
St. Louis over SF
Broncos over KC
Pats over Jets
San Diego over Tenn
Skins over SD
Steelers over Jack

Hawksnsg is French for "Furry"

Ok, my boys, prepare to marvel once again at some WDYL wonderment.

Miami over Buffalo- Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor make sweet music together, and that music sounds not like "Ebony and Ivory" but Seal's "Kiss from a rose."

Minny over Pants- No Steve Smith means Jake Delhomme is more like Jake Plummer than Jake the Snake from the WWF.

Nearly Extinct Tigers over the Oranges- Cincy wins this battle of Paul Brown-associated teams. Tim Krumrie records a crucial sack to seal the victory before horribly breaking his leg and immediately being named assistant coach.

Bears over Lions- The ghost of Paul Edinger comes through with a last second field goal. The ghost of Jason Hanson is still playing.

Indy over Houston- Reggie Bush anyone? Hello, Reggie Bush?

Saints over Pack- Brett Favre is one of the greatest, most competitive QBs in history, and the rest of his team couldn't beat a team of booger-eating second-graders, much less their zit-picking seventh-grade counterparts.

G-men over Philly- This is a tough one. Division rivals battle over the rights to represent Campbell's Chunky soup. The Giants take it by 4 and the Eagles fans pelt Donte Stallworth with "Rocky VI - Escape from the Nursing Home" bobbleheads.

Ravens over The Team formerly known as the Raiders- Oakland signed Aaron Brooks as their QB and now they're horrible and none of them get along. Man, I didn't see that one coming. On the plus side, Robert Gallery has beautiful hair.

Falcors over Milwaukee - The Falcors are a poor man's 1993 Eagles. There really isn't anything more to say.

Seattle over Cards- Seattle looked horrible last week, but I personally think it was Starbucks withdrawal since they were on the road. They're back to the friendly, caffeinated confines, and they dominate.

Niners over Rams- Call me a fool, but I just feel like someday someone's going to grab Steven Jackson's dreadlock ponytail and pull, and that will be the end of the magic.

Denver over K.C. - Just because I have to hurry up and go to church.

N.E. over N.Y. -Chad Pennington's mama is so poor, the rainbow outside her house is black and white.

Chargers over Titans- Chargers continue their dominance of really, really bad teams.

Boys over Skins- Because if not, Drew Bledsoe will be on the bench.

Jags over Steelers- The Jags are like an experienced lover. The rest is open to interpretation.

National Treasure Is Going to Have a Week Two Post Directly Below This Headline

There was a lot of tension last week in WDYL06. Tension between Legend and Bears fans, tensions between WDYL and the Buff for being MIA as is par for the course, and tension between the right hemisphere of my brain, and the left hemisphere of my brain for making some really bad picks. That's no way to start the WDYL/NFL year.
Despite all of the tension hanging in the air like a pair of recently descended testicles from a curious 13 year old boy standing naked in front of the mirror, I had a great week 1. Brats were eaten off MODS Foreman, the Buff not only showed up for the game, but brought killer chips and dip with him, the Black Egg and I shared a chorus of Danzig's cult (literally) hit "Mother", and last but not least, the Bears gored on Packer meat all afternoon long, all in HD. That's what football and this special time of year is about folks. Let's not forget it.
Nostaglia aside, I owe it to the entire goof troop that makes up WDYL to post a decent entry after last weeks shameful embarrasment. I already read hawkgngisgn, and there's no way I'm going to top that. Tip of the cap to you sir.

Falcors over the Largely Retirement Home Community
I don't think the Falcors are as good as they showed last week. And the Bucs may not be as bad. But one thing I do know, if the Bucs are that bad and they continue to suck it up all year, that stupid pirate ship in the stadium is going to look really, really, stupid. Kinda like when the poppular kid at school makes out with the ugly chick, and he suddenly looks like a "fag" on Monday. Poor bastard.

Bears over the Cowardly Lions
What I like about the Bears is that they have an all league D (based on last year and last week) the tradition, and those foam hands at Soldiers that are in the shape of a rigamortis claw. What I like about the Lions is that when I was in the sixth grade, some of the players went on a touring basketball show to high schools in Michicagan and I got an autograph from "The Terminator" Robert Porsche. Not enough for me to like.

Cin City over Poop Stains
To borrow an often used sports cliche, the Bengals "own these guys!"

Packers over the Sizaints
This could come back to haunt me, like the Ghost of Tom Joad did to Rage Against the Machine, but I gotta believe that they'll come out better prepared than they did last week.

45's over Sasparillas
Picking Mario Williams over Bush earns that franchise a lifetime in h-e-double hockey sticks. In ten years they will have upgraded to purgatory, but until then, they are forced to live in the fiery hell from wence they came. And why is Mario Williams always referred to as "Super Mario"? Has he had double digit sacks in a season? Cured cancer? Ducked into several sewer pipes on a quest to save a homely princess from a fire-breathing dragon/turtle like creature? Until then, he should be called "Bitch Williams" for taking that franchises' money and becoming a free agent as soon as he can. Biggest scam since Kaiser Sose.

Miami over Buttalo
The O-line of Buffalo will be so shocked to see all the pretty ladies on South Beach, that they won't even show up for the game. The "pretty" women of Buffalo are uglier than the "pretty" dumpters of Minnesota. I assume.

Giants over Mark Whalbergs
I don't think the Giants will lose for the second week in a row. Just like I don't believe it when someone tell me that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper but without the calories.

Ravines over Art Shell's Waistline
What the Raiders need to right their sinking ship is a guy who once was really talented, and provides tons of leadership. What's Moss' phone number?...

St. Lunatics over the Bay Area Reclamation Projects
The 9ers are better than last year, or so it seems. The Rams also look better than last year, or so that seems. What happens when to forces of equal and opposite things and stuff and scientific words collide? That's right. Boom goes the dynamite.

Zygi Wilf Nation over (Despera)Panthers
Credit where credit is due, the Vikes won a solid game last week. Played tough. But, the Panthers won't be the same without Steven A. Smith. They need him to yell obnoxiously at the other team. "Smoot! Hey Smoot! You can't cover me! The Secret Service couldn't cover me! Ya'll is haters! I take poops that are bigger than you! You can't handle the truth! Shaq is still the most dominant center ever! You don't know what you're talking about! AAHHH!"

Hawks over Cards
Everytime (almost) I pick the Hawks, they always let me down. They better not this time. You've been warned Holmgren.

Bacos over Trent Green's Pallbearers
Did he live through that? Poor guy.

Jets over Pats
OOOOOhhhhh. Going out on a limb here. Maybe if I pick a "tough" pick, I'll get some street cred from the WDYL powers that be. If they win, it's a "gutsy pick" and if I pick the Pats, I'm going with the "safe pick". I think it's a stupid pick, but I'm doing it anyways.

A Whale's Vagina over Jeff Fisher
Ron Burgundy suits up for this classis showdown and puts a bruisin on Vince Young. Neat-O gang!

Cowgirls over Skinny's
Bill Parcells is fatter. Joe Gibbs owns a racing team. Fat grease trumps car grease.

JAX over 2% Steel and 98% Heart
They're going to wish they had that extra 2% heart on the roster, because the Charlie Batch Experiment is going to fail worse that Crystal Pepsi.

another poop filled rant

So I decided to enter each game in a different language or dialect as it were. Todd's email is todd@tlhpottery.com. and Lars your Kasery Homage almost made me vomit in the last few sentences. Well done. here goes.

in latin:
bufulus tatankas beaticus miami kevin costnatays
(buffalo over miami)

in dinosaur:
minnesaurus steps on a prehistoric panther and the panther gets stuck on the botton of the minnesaurs' foot and he kind of smears it off like we humans do when we step in dog poop.(minnesota over carolina)

in ohioan:
"how did we get two nfl teams?" this question needs to be asked every season.
(cincinnati over cleveland)

in grizzly man:
"I love bears, I'm not crazy, how's my hair, oh, am i getting eaten alive?"
(chicago over detroit) (by the way if you haven't seen Grizzly Man, see it. Best Documentary since that oneabout the guy who builds the bear suit.)

in jive:
"Ma nativay gotta play da bush on da war widda caddy shack oily wack!!"
(indianapolis over houston)

in cheap beer:
Pabst beats Old Style
(new orleans over green Bay)

in Eagle:
"i just threw up in my babies mouth"
(philadelphia over giants)

in Orieole:
"I just threw up in my babies mouth than ate my baby and threw it up into another baby's mouth"
(baltimore over oakland)

In Buccaneer:
"As pertained vis-a-vis my Beaufort Scale me dubloons pertake in billowing a shanty, arghhh!"
(atlanta over tampa)

In Larry Fitzgerald:
"Hey Hans, can I get another ride home?"
(arizona over seattle)

In 49er:
censored (actually I don't even know what a 49er is, but it sounds nasty.)
(san francisco over st louis)

in Willowish:
"Val? is that you? Willow Willow.."
(denver over kc)

in jets:
"I've gotta crush on you" come on Nates are you with me on this one? i know you listened to the Jets.
(jets over england)

in Cherry Bungee Mortinson:
"I have no control over my body movements"
(san diego over tennessee)

in Cowboy and Redskin:
Redskin: welcome to our beautiful land.
Cowboy: Thankyou, now i will murder your children and poop on your land.
(dallas over wash)(God bless America)

in Hegelian:
"In an ethical quandry, spirit functions towards an outward reflection of the self, acting as surveyer of an altogther inward spiritual phenomenon, known as spirit." wah hahppened?
(pitts over jackson)

The Dell Week 2

Here goes:

I LOVE MIAMA over BUF! With all the hype over Daunte and Dolphins, I have to believe they will be jazzed at home. I'd love nothing more than to see them loose, ain't gonna happen. Unfortunatly, we'll be watching Daunte git his roll on over and over. Then I'll start cutting my wrists....

I LOVE CAROLINA over the Purple! I can't see the Panthers going 0-2 with all that talent. They have a lot to prove with this win.

I LOVE the BUGLES over the POOP STAINS (cin over Cle) I offically hate every player on the Bangles except for Carson Palmer after last week. How has this NFL team legally become a federal correctional program? Bring in Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson and lets show this gridiron gang they can be somebody!

I LOVE the BEARS over the KITTYS! Okay Bears fans, if you havn't heard the news, Roy Williams said yesturday that the Lions were "dangerously close to putting up 40 pts last week" after they lost 9-6 in a field goal extravaganza. Then he garaunteed this victory in Chicago. Talk about throwing gas on the fire. The last thing this Bears D needs at home after last week is a fire to be lit under them.

I LOVE the CULTS over the TEXICANS! The Colts have pretty much always dominated the Texans, and with reggie bush inactive, it only gets worse for the loud mouthed string tie wearin' pricks from Texas.

I LOVE the Sants over the Pack! After last week, it would be tough to think the Packers can even win a game. This saints team looked really good..... I expect that Reggie Bush will rush and catch 2 TD's in this one.

I LOVE the GIGILO GIANTS over the Uglies! I actually quite like Phily and the new approach, but just like the Pants I can't see the Gents goin 0-2. I expect them to be fired up.

I LOVE the RAVENS over the Raydahs! Everyone loves the Ravens all of a sudden, and they should for this game. Remember how I called it? I said Aaron Brooks would be out of the week by week 3 after getting shut out in weeks 1 and 2- Okay, I should have said that. He is going to suffer a career ending injury, break the all time single game interception record, scramble for 65+ negative yards, or actually get decapatated in this game. nuf said.

I LOVE THE FALCORS over the TAMPONS! I for one, believe that last weeks crushing was a mirage. The bucs are not championship contenders, nor are they as bad as they looked last week. Still, on the road against a tough Falcor D that spanked the Pants, yikes. Michael Vick might be the first QB in history to have both the lowest passer rating and the most points scored in a season.

I Love the SAWKS over the CARDS! Tough one here. I have to believe that there's more offence in the sawks somewhere, even in Dion Branch won't suit till next week.

I Love the RAMS over the Crusty Old Gold Prospectors. The 9ers are not the worst team in the league any more, but I still like the Rams D over Alex Smith.

I Love the Bacos over the Native American Tribal Leaders. Put the Bacos in with the Panthers and the Giants as teams who desperatly need a win after 1 week. Plus, Trent Green will still be at home talking to the garbage disposal in his sink.

Trent: Hay! Whats happening Garby?

Disposal: (silence)

Trent: Really? Well who is she?

disposal: (silence)

Trent: Get the *%#@ out of here! Really?

disposal: (silence)

Trent: cool.

I Love the J.E.T.S. over the Pats! This game has Patriots written all over it, except that the Jets could proove a lot here. I'll take a gamble.

I Love the Chargas over the Teets! Still only the second game for Flip rivers... The Bolts look good.

I Love the Brokeback BOYS over the Tribe! Wow- toughest game to pick here. These teams match up great, the both lost last week in close games, and they both need a W! I'll go with the home team.

I Love the Gay Iron Ore Processors over the Mildly Tame Jungle Cats. I like JAX a lot, but I can't pick against the Steelers 2 weeks in a row. Plus, Big Ben will most likely be back.

Legend - Signing in Week 2

I love the Bills in Miamah!!! I was impressed with the Bills on Sunday. The only thing that kept the Pats out of the loss column was their run attack of Dillon and Maroney. I’m not as confident in the Miami run game after last Thursday night. Gosh, Ronnie Brown looked like he was in a stunned Quantum leap stooper. Am I the only one who finds Duante in Miami a bit ironic? If he had lustful distractions in Minnesota, imagine him on south beach. He’s turning into my new Jeremy Shockey. Bills by 6!!!
I love the Panthers in the Dome!!! This is tough pick. The mere fact that I am weighing the injuries to Dan Morgan and Steve Smith tell me that the Vikes have no business winning this game. Oh, and Rubes, I love E.J. Henderson again – anybody with me? I thought he played a hell of a game. Pants by 10!!!!
I love Cinci in the battle of Ohio!!! “Four dead in Ohio, four dead in Ohio.” Those deaths of course will be the starting Cleveland secondary after Carson picks them apart. You know what’s great about this game, you can make fun of both teams for having equally crappy cities. Imagine being a Browns fan. You lose by 17 points on Sunday, but at least you don’t have to go to Cincinatti after the game! Bungels by 17!!!
I love the Bears in Soldier!!! I’m certainly not picking the upset in this one. The Bears d gets pretty hyped when at home, and the last I checked the Lions had horrible jerseys. Bears by 9!!!
I love the Colts @ home, but more so I love Mark Schlereth!!! I think I’m related to Schlereth. I heard him this week pick the Jags in the south saying that he doesn’t like the way the Colts gameplan nor their style of football. He claimed that their built to compete but not win. He’s 1 for 1. He also picked the Pats to represent the AFC in the Superbowl. 2 for 2. His favorite defender in the NFL is San Deigo’s Shawne Merriman. 3 for 3. He sleeper in the NFC? The Vikes. 4 for 4. I love you Stink. I think you’ll agree that even though we dislike Colts, the Texans won’t be winning on the road this week. Colts by 11!!!
I love the Pack over the Saints!!!! I assume that I will not be picking the Packers again this year, but I remember the Saints losing 56 to 0 in Lambeau last year. Drew Brees will put up some points, but the Pack will win by 14!!!!
I love the G-men to pick up a huge road win!!! If the NFL were actually Middle School, Tom Coughlin would be the shop teacher who also runs detention and yells at kids for having their shirts untucked. Andy Reid is the laid-back Assistant Principal who has a 12 string guitar in his office and dresses up with the kids for spirit week. I actually had an associate principle like this. I got sent to his office and asked him to play a song on his guitar. He promptly forget to punish me and let me go. If I were on the Giants roster (who knows why I’m not) I would fear being 0-2 and having to be in the same room at Tom Coughlin. G-men by 4!!!
I Love the Ravens over the Raydahs!!! Look for Robert Gallery and the rest of that shoody O-line to spontaneously combust at some point in this game. McGyver could even turn that heap-of-crap unit into something usefull. Ravens by 17!!!!
I love the Bucs to rebound over the Falcors!!! Can’t see the Bucs falling off the pace so quickly. If the Falcors win, I will need to reassess. For now, Bucs by 6!!!
I love the S-hawks over the Cards!!! I actually think the Cardinals might be as good as the S-hawks, but nobody seems to go into Seattle and win. I suggest the following reasons why: 1) think about how hard it is to wake up on rainy days. You want to stay in your George Costanza sweatpants, watch Divorce Court, and eat bageldogs. No wonder teams look lethargic in Seattle; 2) The FDA came out with a release that said because of heightened mercury levels, no one should comsume more than 6 ounces of salmon in a week. I’m sorry but if I’m eating salmon, 12 ounces isn’t even putting a dent in my stomach. and 3) Seattle actually loses all it’s home games, but because they are never on TV and get no media press way up there, nobody every questions the faulty scores. I went to high school with Larry Fitzgerald too Peter. Hawks by 9!!!!
I love the 9ers at home!!!! Yeah, they straight up impressed me last week. The Rams will be better but this seems like a road loss waiting to happen. 9ers by 7!!!!
I love the Chiefs in my upset special!!! All of you know how skeptical I am about Jake Plummer. To bring back a recent discussion, he is getting dangerously close to Mike Vanderjagt and Robert Horry territory for me. This is a great rivalry, and I like the Chiefs to prove how good the Bengals are and how poor the Bacos are. Chefs by 13!!!!
I Love the Pats in NY!!! Listen, the game should’ve never happened like that OK. I understand the nay-sayers concerning my Pats. But if you remember, the Bills beat the Pats 28-0 in week 1 two years ago. The Pats rebounded by beating the Jets soundly the next week and went on to win the Superbowls. The Pats are fine. They’ve got Saturday in hand. Pats by 10!!!!
You know I love the Bolts over the Teetans!!! I gotta tell you, I can’t say enough about Shawne Merriman. He’s just a beast. He’s got the ability to be everywhere as well. Like Urlacher, Ray Lewis, Derrick Brooks. He seems to be in on every play. I can’t think of an OLB who I would take instead of him if I was starting a team. Bolts by 17!!!
I love the Boys in Big D!!! I’ve never seen Tony Romo’s photo, but I can’t help but envision him looking like Rambo. Which reminds me of the time when the youth pastor of Berean Baptist church, my boss Chris, was preaching in the Sunday service to hundreds of people and a mildly retarded highschool boy named Danny yelled out “I am Rambo”. I had to leave the sanctuary and get a stiff drink after that one. Boys by 13!!!
I love the Jags in the “upset”!!! When will Vegas give Del Rio his due? He has one philosophy – run the ball so that you have a chance to win at the end. They are always in games right? And I straight up like B-ron. He’s this generations version of Kenny Stabler or Doug Flutie. You just want the guy to succeed for some reason. Jags by 3!!!

Aaron Brooks?

So how unbelievably bad is Aaron Brooks?

Ever since Bo Jackson left the NFL, the Raiders have every year dropped lower on my list. I thought they looked bad last year with Kerry Collins, but this is a new low.

Lets help the Raiders by listing fully qualified players currently out of work (QB's and otherwise) who are most likely available and much better than Aaron Brooks:

1. Vinny Testeverde. Sure he's 47, but what else is he up to? He's been contacted week 3 by the Jets the last 3 seasons with Chad Pennington re-tearing his shoulder every year.

2. Jeff George. Sure he's 52, and has male-pattern baldness, and yes, he absolutly looks retarded and might well be, but the dude has an arm.

3. Ryan Leaf. I'm sure his manager at Arby's would let him take sundays off.

4. Randy Johnson. Would this be entertaining or what? At least the losses would be fun to watch, and no passes woud ever get tipped. No question he has a better arm than Aaron Brooks.

5. Madeline Albright. Better decision making.

6. Scott Stapp. He obviously has some anger issues and man, the dude don't take crap from no one. Who would mess with him?

7. Michael Olowakandi. What an imposing figure.... This giant would be tough to take down, you have to admit. It took 2 tazers for the cops to pull him down.

8. Tiger Woods. He's got rock solid concentration, an unparalleled work ethic, and much better teeth.

Buf's Post

As submitted to the Leg' at 12:01pm on Sunday:

New Orleans over Cleveland
Tennessee over NY JEts
Denver over St. Louis
Phili over Houston
Cards over San Fran
Colts over Giants
Seattle over Detriot
Cinci over KC
NE over Buff
Carolina over Atlanta
Chicago over GB
dallas over JackSkins over Vikes
San Diego over Oakland

Buffet located

Hometown has been found
Wow- What a sunday. The weather was aweful, but absolutly perfect for a football opener. I watched 12 hours of it. Here are my thoughts after weekend 1.

1. Carolina has a lot of hype to live up to. I was shocked that they lost but even more shocked that it was at home to an Atlanta team that looked mighty good. The defence was nasty. Give Hotlanta some credit.

2. I now hate the Detroit lions. I always kind of felt bad for the lovable losers, just because without Barry Sanders they could never get it done, and poor Joey Harrington with his little kindergarden haircut, he never got the chance... I now hate them. Mainly for the new uniforms which are without question the worst in the league. Have you seen them? They might as well be wearing checkerboards. Watching tha game was like accidentally sitting on the romote when the TV switches to a static channel... a dizzying flurry of white and black. Aweful. The Lions are definatly improved, though anything after last year would be an improvement. The Lions D was way better than last years squad, and John Kitna was decent, but the recievers looked like the laziest group of loosers ever. They ran routes with all the excitement of a How to avoid Bankruptcy in foreclosure seminar. So glad I'm not a lions fan.

3. Trent Green is my new pity player. Did you see the hit? Good Lord.... It was a really brutal and unneccessary blow too. The QB was sliding! God Bless little Trent. Keep fighting little guy!

4. The Ravens will not pull another 2005. The Ray Lewis highlight reel from yesturdays blowout of Tampon Bay is among the best I've seen in a long time. How did I forget that this guy should be in prison for manslaughter? Absolutly rediculous hitting.... if you missed it find the highlights on ESPN.com. Please. Now I know that Steve McNair is perfect for them. All he has to do is sustain a drive a get at least 1 or 2 first downs on a posession, he doesn't even have to get TD's. All he needs is to give the defence a rest for a few plays so they can completely kill when they take the field.

5. My brother has to stop tarnishing our family name. Please Lars, don't make boneheaded picks like the Packers over the Bears ever agian. I know its in your nature to do so but please... I actually felt a little bad for the pack! Can you believe it? Favre should have retired, and now he knows it. Lars, just because you hate the Bears doesn't make them bad, and bears fans, just because you love the bears doesn't make em superbowl champs.

Nat Treas's Entry Is An International Embarassment...

Reads the headline, and it's true. This will probably be the most boring entry I post due to lack of time (I know, I know, wah, wah wah) until, that is, week 5, when they get even more boring. But fear not, Wass Conferencees, I will post and post well.

Winners
Miami
Pants 'ers
Bucs
Pats
Bacos
Bengals
Browns
Jets
Eagles
Hawks
Bears
Cowboys
Cards
Colts
Vikings
Chargers
Nat Treas

Leg sniffs glue

Lars, don't even think about it. Yes, you're creative, and I appreciate that. Yes, you're passionate. But after two years of WDYL, we all know just where you'll end up in the standings. That's right, down with Berg and Hans.

But to the picks...

Steelers over Fins. Charlie Batch, blah blah blah. Let's talk about the Steelers D, Heinz Field, and Daunte Culpepper. I've got frickin' rehearsal tonight so I can't watch, but this one's not in doubt.

Carolinians over Falcons. Tougher to pick than it should be because of the Steve Smith factor. But Michael Vick keeps getting uglier and uglier. He looked somewhat normal, then he got that wispy looking goatee-thing, then he got cornrows, now he's using Michael Irvin's stylist.

Ravens over Bucs. Seriously, isn't Chris Simms nine years old? When Simms is walking home from school, Ray Lewis is going to open the door to his white van and offer him a lollipop and a ride. Simms will never be seen again.

Pats over Bills. I wish that the Bills still had the O.J. era uniforms. If not them, at least the Thurman Thomas-era ones. Both were supremely cool.

KC over Cincy. I'm telling you, don't overlook Arrowhead. And you're right Lars, these colors do not go together. I'm glad to see you eye for color has improved, unlike the time you tried to convince Paul and I that the white afghan over the coach at 297 Dayton was green. You know your mom only agreed with you out of pity.

Rams over B'cos. What Bill Simmons says goes.

Browns over Saints. The Saints away from home are like Lars without facial hair; a 6-foot-something 200-some pound 7 month-old complete with pacifier and enormous, poopy cloth diaper.

Titans over Jets. They're less bad, but only just.

S-hawks over Lions. How do you have (or had) three receivers who were top ten picks, and your most effective wideout is likely to be Corey Bradford?

Philly over Houston. Lars, what are you smoking? You called this a tough game to pick, which is in itself a dubious claim, and then proceeded to pick the Texans? WHAT????? Would these be the same Texans who will be starting Wali Lundy or Ron Dayne at RB?

Bears over Pack. The only way the Pack have a chance is if Lynn Dickey comes out of retirement, and that ain't happening. Yet another example of why Lars will be fighting for last place.

Jags over Dallas. Two words. LaBrandon Toefield. Great name, equally great player. From this point on, I will be known as LaBryan and will come to dominate the opera league.

Cards over Niners. Are the Cards for real? Who knows? I'd like to think so. One thing I do know; the Niners aren't.

Colts over Giants. Great matchup of Mannings. Colts win because they will sign often disrepected older brother DeAndre'na to return punts.

Skins over Vikes. I think that a Viking foreskin would be intimidating, and by that I refer both to Erik the Red and Bryant McKinnie the Large. (yes, i'm back)

Chargers over Raiders. Give me a T, give me a U, give me an I, give me an A, give me an S, give me an O, give me another S, give me...oh screw it. Tuiasosopo, is what I was spelling, Tuiasosopo. Just shut up.

Eat it.

Dells Pics

Hey All Y'all

Here's my pics for weekend one, perhaps the best weekend of the entire year. I have already decided to skip church, I have already unplugged my phone, and I have already purchased Tortilla chips, Bean Dip, a case of beer and a box of depends. By the way, heres a picture of me as a negro. Notice with hushed awe the dew rag.

Here goes. Kiss my dust Hangkws

MIAMI over PITT - I had every intention of picking Pittsburgh until I caught a glimpse of Charlie Bi-atch during preseason. Holy crap was he bad. Bring back Tommy Maddox and his prosthetic arm. If Batch starts as the #2, Miami all of a sudden looks a lot better.

Carolina over ATL- I'll side with everyone else across the country and say Carolina looks mighty good.

Tampa over Baltimore- Goldylocks QB Chris Simms is gonna have a great year.

PATS over BUF- Watch out for the 2006 rookie of the year, Lawrence Mulrony.

Cinci over Kansas City on the road in week one- Carson Palmer looks mighty good. The chiefs look like they took a big step back from last year. I'm going wit the road team

St. Louis over Denver- Wow- a toss up. I'll go with the home tea and a ton of patented Scott Linehan trick plays in week one. Knowing Linehan, the rams will confuse everyone for 3 or 4 weeks, then get thier asses handed to them once everyone else studies the film.

New Orleans over the Browns- Ung. Hope this is a better game than it appears. Reggie Bush could tear up the browns and in general, the saints are probably up for this game more so than the browns.

Tennessee over NY JETS -the jets are my new pick against 'em until they win team. I like Chad Pennington and he looks good, but he has no one to throw to or hand the ball off to. Without Curtis Martin and his bum knees (he'll spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair) I cant pick the jets on the road.

Philly over Houston- complete stab in the dark here.

Seattle over Detroit- I for one, do not believe the Roar had been retored

Chicago at Green Bay- sorry leg. By the way, Stacey Augman is waaaaay more exciting to watch than Michael Jordan

Jacksonville over Dallas- tough pick- I'm goin with the home team. If Mike Vanderjakt misses another field goal the dallas fans will crucify him in front of Texas Stadium. I love it. I can't explain why, but I love that he fails. I route for him to fail. Can someone explain this? I think it's because his face reminds me of the cocky kind of guy you'd see hanging out at Senior Frogs to drink coors light and eye up the women- the kind of guy you want to sneak up behind and sucker punch in the face without ever saying a word to him. Do you know what I mean?

Arizona over SanFran- the first game in a new stadium and the start of a new era of cardinals football would have to be a boost here for the home team. Plus Denny Green plays the drums and that has to count for something.

Indianapolis over Giants- I'm also riding Indy until they loose, because no matter what Ledg says the colts have had huge winning streaks every year. This could be a close game.

Minnesota of Washington- Maybe its all the buzz I've read around here, but it appears the Vikes have lots of crazy game plan to pull out Monday night, and it doesn't hurt that Kenny Wright is the best cornerback on the Skins.

Oakland over San Diego- Wow- I hate picking this game, but I have to go with the home team, even if it is the raiders. By the way, I say right now that Aaron Brooks will be demoted and eventually fired by week 4. How bad does a starting QB have to suck to not be a starting QB anymore? I cannot believe the Raiders went after him so hard.



Alrighty then. Let the games begin.

Week 1, Legend Signing In

Ohh!!!! I've got a Lemmers this week. I know we haven't talked a lot lately Lem, let's wait until this week is over to catch up OK. Until then how's your wife, how's your opera, and eat my poop.
I love the Steelers over Miamah!!! No Big Ben? No Bus? I’m remain unshaken. Listen, I’ve been watching Culpepper on opening days for years. As long as the Steelers have a running back of some sort, this is a Pittsburgh W.
I Love the Bucs to make Air McNair look like he uses Nair on his leg, chest, and crotch hairs!
I love the Pants over the Falcors!!! Anyone want to chip in for a Kris Mangum blue jersey for Mophats? He would look so good in that.
I love the Rams over the B’cos!! Stephen Jackson is a stud is the making, and he’s finally got a coach who will give him the ball.
You know I love the Pats over the Bills!! You’ll get a lot of Pats love from me. Just get used to it.
I love the Texans over the Uggles!!! This is a tough game to pick. I’ll go with the home team.
I love the Browns over the Saints!!! Saints and road games are like Lemke and male expressions of affection. They get awkward, forget their gameplan, and pee a little bit.
I love the S’hawks in D-Town!!! I expect the Lions to improve, but it’s a tough first draw for them.
I love the Titans over the J-E-T-S!!! Holy frick I hate both of these teams. If this is on TV, I’m going to go to the food court in the mall instead.
I love the Bungels in KC!!! Wow, game of the week if you ask me. I predict a high scoring game, Ugly fans, and clashing jerseys.
I love the Pack over the Bears!!! Now, don’t kill me Bears fans. Your team is far superior to the Green and Gold. The only problem is that your management are a bunch of cocky bastards who don’t spend money in good places, refuse to draft a tight end, have one receiver, start a happy-foot QB, and are annoying at press conferences. Arrogance loses this opening, but the Bears will rebound in short order.
I love the Jags over the Boys!!! This should be a great game. John Henderson is like 4 Bergs rolled into one.
I love the Cards over the 9ers!!!! A lot of red in this one. The first sellout in like 30 years will bring the Cards good luck. With that poop-stain of an O-line, they need all the luck they can get.
I love the Colts over the G-men!!! Should be fun to watch. I want to pick against the Colts, but can’t do it this week.
I love the Skins over the Purple!!! I can’t watch this game because I have a council meeting. We’re going to talk about budget, building plans, and new furniture for the library. I’m not bitter or anything.
I love the Bolts over the Raydahs!!! Shawne Merrimen is my daddy.

Hawnks Pics

so do we just pick the winner of every game? if so:
Pittsburg Wins
Carolina Wins
Balt wins
Buff wins
Cinc wins
Rams win
Cleave wins
NYj wins
Phili wins
Seattlke wins
Chica wins
Dallas Wins
Zona Wins
NYg wins
Minn Winn
Oak Wins
Also Rant to come soon, its a school night and need some time and good sausage to get into rant mode.

wha tha

so howdoes this work, I pic a team
or retyp my division winners? or best spandex color? anyone. i love shoes..

This is the The Jack Wass Conference

The Jack Wass Conference:
Legend (The Leg)
Dell (Slashberg)
National Treasure (Freebone)
Hometown Buf' (Bergie)
Sobol
Hangkgkwasks
Lemke-Tomczak (Art Garfunkel)