Sucky Not Funny Picks

4 Pitt over Baltimore
3 Tampa Bay over Arizona
2 Oakland over Houston
1 Chargers over Minnesota

Egg Dish

Today is a great day...everyone is talking about Brady vs. Manning but all I care about is Peterson vs. Tomlinson!
4. Pit stain vs. Baltimore stain
Roethlisberger will ride a motorcycle again but this time he injures ray lewis who was riding on the back. He suffers a serious injury giving davenport the go ahead in goal line positions. Tomlin wins again!
(If the game of the week is colts vs. pats)
Colts win by 40!!!
3. Redheads vs. JumboJets
Portis will destroy them today. That is all.
2.Houston vs.Oakland
?????????Houston?????????
1.Saints vs. Jax
I like drew brees in this match up! Happy belated halloween to all.

Best Rant of the Week?

Things that are awkward:

- Matrix 2 and 3
- Brooks Bollinger and the Vikkity Vikes
- WDYL
- Shaq

Things that are on fire:

- Minnesota Wild

- The new T-Wolves.

- Lars’s Crotch
- California

Things that are a bit Confused:

- Marko Jaric
- Me, in regards to why dinosaurs aren’t mentioned in the Bible.
- why anyone would like the Bears or the Patriots
- The size of Bollinger's biceps. He thought that QB stood for Questionable Biceps.

Teams who will win, with the assumption that the Game of the Week is Pats Colts. Sorry Freeburg I know I chose the Monday Night Game last night but me and my bro decided the Colts Pats deserves the game of the week more so if you read this change your post. If not 'M SURE LARS WILL COUNT IT ANYHOW.l:

4. Colts over Pats
3. Skins over Jetticles
2. Raiders over Mechanical Bulls
1. Browns over Seattles

also Vikes with no number attached

Come on Who-Do-You-Lovers. I haven't seen this many lazy punks since the last time I went to Home Depot and tried to get help with some lumber.

Click this

Late Game Edition

1. Bucs over Jags
2. Chargers over Texans
3. Pats over Skins
4. Pack over Bcos

Some pics is better than no pics

4. GB over Denver

3. Gents over Phins in Merry old England

2. Steelas ova da Bagels

1. Vikes and Chilly over Philly

Week 8

4. GB over Den - My head says go with the Broncos, but when is it ever good to listen to your head? Travis Henry doesn't use his.

3. Clev over StL - It's still shocking that Cleveland has a good offense. Seriously, when is the last time that anything good has been associated with Cleveland? The funniest part of The Drew Carey show was when he danced to the theme song "Cleveland Rocks". Both the dancing and the song were laughable.

2. NYJ over Buf - I'd like to see a medical study done with this game. Patients pumped full of caffeine would try and stay awake while watching this game. Modern medicine vs. very bad football. I'd choose sleep.

1. NYG over Mia - I hope they have British announcers for this game. It would be "terribly" fun to listen to that commentary.

brothers picks

Me and David each with our favorite running Backs who happen to be the best in the NFL. Adrian Peterson on the left and Selvin young on the right. After this meal we discussed the similarities between their explosive running styles vs our explosive diahreah after this respective meal.

Davids picks.
4. Denver wins T. Henry is T. timed and T. boned.
3. Cleveland Wins brown
2. New England suck Wins
1. Gainst wins

Hans; Picks
4. Denever and Selvin Win
3. Clevelands Winds
2. Gainst Wins
1. Pittsburghal Wings

Leggie, Big Week 8

I love the Denver Omlettes over the Back-Pack!!! Why do I call them the Denver Omlettes, because when it comes down to it the Broncos have fluffly heuvoes that I just don't trust. Why do I call them the Back pack? Because Favre has carried them on his back literally and figuratively long enough. These teams are both posers. I'm intrigued by the possibility of a MNF game and World series games happening mere miles from one another. That would automatically become one of the greatest things ever in Denver sports along side John Elway opening his seventh Denver area car dealership, Chris Jackson changing his name to Mohammad Abdul Rauf and truning backwards during the national anthem, the backup punter who tried to murder the starting punter at a 1AA school, and the memory of Ray Borques 41 year old grey beard. What a night Monday will be!!! Broncs by 7!!!

I love the Gents to cream the Dolphins in Wembley stadium!!! Ah, the land of crooked teeth where Michael Strahan fits in, queer fashion statements where pretty much everyone from Miami fits in, and horrible food where no one deserves to fit in. This whole Europe adventure should be a big hit with the players. Expect Osi Umeyiora to Bangers and Mash Cleo Lemon. Watch for Rou Big Ben Droughns to take it to the house of parliamant! Looks for Dave Diehl and Chris Snee to execute a changing of the guard. Also look for the the British fans to be so sloshed before the game that they don't even know they are watching American Football. Gents by 14!!!

i love the Browns in St. Lou!!! I can't believe this, the NFL has gotten to a point of mediocrity where I'm picking the Browns to win a road game. What is happening? It's like a bizzaro world. Sort of like when Jerry, George, and Kramer encounter Jeff, Gene, and Feldman. they look similar but they are totally different. The Browns winning on the road is bizzaro. I expect to look over on the sideline and see Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, and Jamal Lewis reading or buying eachother groceries. Let the crazyiness continue. Browns by 11!!!

I like the Bucs over the Jags!!! This is based solely on the inepitutde of Quinn Gray at Quarterback. Michael Rand made a great point this week when he asked the question, Most likely to hit a sedan going 10 mph from 15 yards away: Jacksonville backup QB Quinn Gray or Tarvaris Jackson? You've gotta go with T-Jack, and that says a lot about Quinn Gray. Quinn Gray would need an Army Tank, that was 24 feet high, and was sitting still, 3 feet away from him, with magnets in it, and magnets in the football, and the tank would have to somehow pass for him. Bucs by 9!!!

Hans'z Lazy Picks

4.Colts
3.Bills
2.Eagles
1.Cardinals

NFC East rocks

1. Iggles over Bears. Sorry boys. There's alway next year. Iggles by 7.

2. Skins over Cards. Tim Rattay makes Matt Leinart and Kurt Warner look like Phil Simms and Jeff Hostetler. I miss the Hosses mustachio. Skins by 10.

3. G-men over Niners. Even the Niners knew when they drafted Alex Smith that he was going to be the least exciting #1 pick ever. It's not even that he's a bust. He is what everyone knew what he would be: the best option in a terrible draft, but just not particularly good. G-men by 13.

4. Colts over Jags. Has anyone seen David Garrard's new Discovery card commercials? The ones where he's goofy and charming? Me neither. Credit card commercials are for winners. Indy by 3.

Week 7

4. Ind over Jax - With or without Harrison, Indy has an infinitely better receiving corps

3. NE over Mia - Cleo Lemon is the Dolphins starting QB

2. Dal over Min - After the game, Romo says, "it's good to be playing the NFC again."

1. Pit over Den - Shanahan tells Travis Henry to just accept the suspension because "we're not that good even with you in the lineup."

Vikings win!

4. Colts vs. Jags
I do love Maurice Jones Drew in this match up but the Colts are pretty good. Tony Dungy will win an award for being the first african american head coach in a monday night game! Colts win.
3. Houston vs. Titans
The Texans will use Oiler throwback Jerseys and warren moon comes out of retirement after 3 quarterbacks go down. Oliers win.

2. Seahawks vs. Rams
I'm so mad at steven Jackson. Hawks win!
1.Bucs vs. Lions
Calvin Johnson will have 125 yards and 2 touchdowns. Bucs will still win.

Week 7 - Leggie

It's brief this week. I'm allowed.

4. JAx over Indy
3. Buff over Balt
2. Pitt over Den
1. Seat over STLou

Week 6

4. Cin over KC
3. NYG over Atl
2. Hou over Jax
1. Clev over Mia

we all get one week to do it like this right?

4. Cinc over KC

3. Chargers over Oak

2. Vikes over Chicato

1. Cleve over Miami

Last Minute Picks

Bengals over Chiefs
Ravens over Rams
Cards over Panthers
Chargers over Raiders

Vikings are in town!

4. Bengal Kittens vs. Chippewa middle school
I have a feeling that Larry Johnson is due...for the chiefs and all of his fantasy owners! I mean everyone knew he'd get off to a slow start because of his holdout but come on! I need 30 fantasy points from him this week! Chiefs win after Larry Johnson scores 5 tds.(3 rushing, 1 receiving, 1passing)

3. Brownies vs. Fins
I like this game because I don't have to watch Jamal Lewis. Jason Wright will make a name for himself by gaining only 2 yards but 3 touchdowns! Browns get the W. I'm zee trrrainer of zee dolphin!

2. Titans vs.Gruden
I like the Titans because of the movie "remember the titans"
I remember!

Real quarterbacks wear armbands!
1. Moss vs. Owens

MOSS!!!!!!!!!

Leggie, Big Week 6

4. I’m going with the KC Cheifs over the Bungels turned Bengals turned back to bungles. Let’s face it, the Bengals are a mess. The eerily resemble the Vikes of 2005. The myriad incarcerations are their love-boat and the things that used to be cute, like Ocho Cincos Td celebrations aren’t anymore, sort of like Duantes fist roll. The truth is, when you lose, things are bad. Expect three things from this game: 1) Marvin Lewis or Herm Edwards will give us a great soundbite after losing. 2) Carson Palmer will be one more game into wasting a promising career in Cincinatti (seriously, put this guy in a major market and he’s Jesus). And 3) The combination of those jersey colors will be nothing short of unwatchable. Cheifs will take it at home by 10!!!

3. Staying in the AFC west and with duante Culpepper, I’ll take the Bolt over captian tiny digits. Let’s face it, all the “charger are in trouble talk” was painfully premature. This division is really bad and if the Charger win they will have at least a share of first place. Plus, Antonio Gates wears a fanny pack. Don’t think an Raiders can say that. So San Deigo, lift your Avacado wraps high, the Bolts are ready to go on a run. Chargers by 16!!!

2. I love the Eagles over the JETS for some strange reason!!! I figure out who Chad Pennington remind me of this year. He’s the YMCA pick up basketball scrub. He’s the middle aged guy, shorts are from 1987, comes into the gym and calls “next game” really loud. Then he proceeds to play like he’s got a wedge in his pants, but plays pretty poorly, but then always makes his freethrows to make it into the next game. We all know the guy. Well, I’m confident in the Eagles coming off a bye week. Ugglies by 6!!

1. Lastly, Folks, it’s happening for the first time this year. I’m taking the Vikes over the Bears in Soldier. Am I crazy, you bet I am!!!! But here’s the rationale: I expect the Vikes to win up front with Chester and Adrian. The Vikes have historically run very well against the Bears. Also, I expect history to repeat itself. The most memorable game of Childress’ head coaching tenure was last year in Seattle. All phases were working well and the Vikes beat the Seahawks in a hostile environement. What’s the connection? That was after a bye week, just like this year. Childress comes from the Andy Reid system, a coach who is notorious for winning games after bye weeks. So in the end, it defies all logic, but I’ll take the Vikes by 6!!!

I forgot my picks!!!

Cookie Monster isn't friendly after all...I always thought he was kind of creepy in a monster way!
Since I didn't make my picks yesterday I'll have to make one pick for monday. 3. Cowgirls will Romo all over the buffalo plains!

Week 5 is Titillating

4 - Warshington over the Liasons
Dan Snyder is the Mark Cuban of the NFL, except he sucks more. Cuban is like a little boy where everyday is Christmas so he does and gets whatever he wants. Snyder is like a little boy who try's to buy friendsip becuase no one likes him. Cuban is way cooler. Plus, he's on Dancing With the Stars. I don't know if Cuban can Tango, but damn can that fool cha cha.

3- New England Pees over the Clevland Poos

The thing about New England is, they're good, berry berry good.

2 - Indy over Tampa Bay

Tampa bay is not that good. I have nothing creative to add to that.

1 - D'Bos over the SD Ragers

Being a Bears fan is tough right now. Being a Charger fan might be even tougher. I feel their plight, but I still don't think they're going to win this week.

KG wearing green. Tears.

1. Stillers over S-hawks. A rematch of Super Bowl Xtra-Large, which you may remember was brutally boring. It was boring like a matchup of the Spurs and Pistons. It was boring like the French Open. It was boring like Will without Grace. Stillers win.

2. Tits over Falcons. VY is basically Michael Vick without a penchant for animal cruelty. Joey Harrington is basically Elvis Grbac without the awesomely strange name. Could VY break the Madden Cover Curse where MV couldn't? Bryan thinks he sure damn can.

3. Pats over Poops. Special props to Assfoot for the picture of a lion on stilts. That was awesome. If I had a lion, I would definitely buy him stilts. I hate Randy Moss.

4. Skins over Lions. Boss Bailey is finally starting to fulfill his Madden '04 promise as the Lions standout linebacker, but what can one LB do against Al Saunders and his 763 pages full of plays. The J.K. Rowling of offensive coordinators outschemes the Mad Scientist, and the Skins win by 8.

worst week ever. Go Selvin Young!!

4. redskins vs a lion. I love skins. suckit lions.
3. Cardinals vs the new Stephan Jackson. I love Cards.
2. Worst Fans ever vs worst Team Ever. (you decide which team to apply either descriptor to. Bears or Packers. Anyone else happy the cubs lost. I love Packers.
1. Seattle vs Pitt. I love Seattle.

At Least the Vikes wont get another loss this week.

Week 5

4. Det over Wash
3. Ariz over StL
2. Car over NO
1. NE over Clev

DELL

4. MOTORCITYKITIES over the OPRESSED NATIVE AMERICANS
I agree with Lars- Bring back the old Lions please... Unfortunatly, with the Bears and Vikings falling the Lions are looking to sieze ever opportunity, plus the Skins are banged up at reciever and have Fred Smoot and his giant mouth.

3. PATRIARCHS over the POOPSTAINS
Sorry Brother, but the Patriots have officially entered my Pantheon of teams I loath, right between the Lakers and Yankees. I don't really know when it happened either, but all of a sudden there is no fun in watching this team. They are too stacked, too dominant, and to downright cocky in thier amazing team. They have as good a shot as any team to undefeated.

2. TITTIES over the FALCORS
Big Vince, fresh after the Bye at home against the Falcons-----

1. PUCKERS over the BERS
Bears look almost as bad as the Vikings right about now- BRING ON ORTON! BRING ON ORTON!

Week 5 - Leggie

I love the Redskins to upend the Lions!!! Hey Detroit Lion fans (if you do really exist), I’ve got a song for you, “Back on the chain gang”, guess what? You are a Pretender. In fact you’re Chrissie Hynde, the leader of the Pretenders. Every fan is Minny, Chi-town, and GB is smirking with me because we know that you are going to have colossal meltdown soon. We’ve been watching it for years – we want the real Lions back. We want Scott Mitchell, Charlie Batch , Joey Harrington – we want the 4th quarter meltdowns and botched field goal snaps. Come back to us Detroit. Come back. The Redskins will bring the real Detroit back to America on Sunday. Skins by 12!!!

I love the Cards over the Rams!!! News flash, a team is bad enough that Gus Frerotte is going to be starting. You have to believe that Gus Frerotte and Scott Linehan have something going: Either they are in a romantic relationship or Gus videotaped Scott drunk at a Karoake bar singing Wilson Phillip’s Release Me in his underwear and is using that tape to blackmail Scott in order to keep an NFL job in Minnesota, Miami, and now St. Louis. A guess it’s more likely that Scott has continually overvalued ol’ Gus and it may not matter because Scott has no surpassed Romeo Crennel and jack Del Rio as the most likely coach to walk to the plank. BTW, expect the 2 QB system in AZ to last about as long as a new ABC comedy. Do you expect Matt Leinart to be Ok giving the final two minutes of each half to a 40 year old guy who looks like he could’ve been in Menudo? It’ll work this week though. Cards by 10!!!

I love the Saints coming off a bye week over the Pants who are coming off the realization that they payed David Carr a lot of actual American money! How come the Pants haven’t taken more heat for their horrible start? This team was supposed to be good right? I know that the Saints are banged up, but they’ve had a week out of the spotlight and I like them in a rebound game. Let me just ask the question that nobody seems to want to ask. What is that thing on Drew Brees face? Birth mark, scar, permanent marker, grease stain? It always remind me of Jim Carrey in the Cable Guy when he’s at Medeival Times and he lays the potato skins on his face and does the Silence of the Lambs bit. Remember that? Saints by 6!!!

I love the Jags in Arrowhead!!! Yes that’s right I love the Jags again this week. There isn’t a team more mercurial and hard to figure out than the Jags. They’ll lose a horrible home game and then win on the road. I like this team to go completely under the radar and have a shot at the Wild Card. I also like Maurice Jones Drew if we ever have a food shortage and have to turn to cannibalism. I don’t want to sound weird but I love Jones Drew’s thighs. Those guys are meaty. Look for the Jags and meat thighs to run the Chiefs into the ground. Jags and the well dressed Jack Del Rio by 3!!!

Week Quatro

4 - Bucks over Pants

I think Delhomme is out, and I love Reuben Garcia, so I'm taking the Bucs.

3 - Dells over St. Louis

I hate the Rams because I picked Steven Jackson for my fantasy team, therefore, I hate all things Steven.

2- Seattle will be San Francisco

1- Pittsburg beats Whoever They are playing

Half hour to game time!

4. Panties vs. Gruden
If there was a war between a few thousand panthers and a few thousand bucaneers the panthers would win because they have claws!
3. I can't believe it's the texans vs. I can't believe it's the falcons
I'm so excited to watch this game. It's as fun as eating a chipolte burrito while sitting on the toilet. For cereal, this game makes me even prouder being a Vikings fan. Houston by 3
2.Marino vs. Bo Jackson
Remember how good Bo Jackson was in Tecmo Super Bowl?! Anyone want to play me in that game. I get to be the Oilers with Warren Moon! I guess I'd have to go with the fins in this one.
1. Charles in Chargers vs. Hated Chiefs
How did the chiefs beat the vikings. did anyone watch that game where they robbed Shanicoe of his touchdown. The nfl is rigged just like the nba! I hate the chiefs. chargers win...finally

Teams starting with B

1. Colts over Bcos
2. Boys over Steven Frickin Jackson
3. Bolts over K.C.
4. Pants over Bucs

Sobol for President

photoshop vs rant

4. Black Panthers vs pirate buccaneers. I love Panthers. Power to the people. More like 21 Jump streak in your pants.


3. Dolphins vs Raiders. I love Dolphins. Is that Lars at the top? name that painting Bethel art majors. i need the title, yr, artist, and how you memorized it.

2. Police Chiefs vs Chargers. I love Chargers. Again power to the chargers. Love the hippy bashing poles.

1. Cowboy Curtis vs RAM. I love Cowboy Curtis. name that stadium for an unofficial rant point.

Week 4

4. Car over TB - Bucs make a poor team decision before the game when they decide to load up on Taco Bell.

3. Dal over StL - Rams make a splash after the game by signing Ruben Studdard for their O-line.

2. Hou over Atl - After fretting all week what they will do without Andre Johnson, Houston coaches realize they are playing Atlanta. They suddenly don't know what to do with their time.

1. Ind over Den - During the game, new sideline reporter Kadeem Hardison reveals a study showing strong evidence that teams get so bored while in Indianapolis that they cannot get excited about the football game.

Leggie Signing in week 4

4. I love Bucs of the Bay of Tampa over the Pants of Carols lina!!! Sure Jon Gruden's and overrated coach. Sure, Tamp Bay is one of the least desirable locations on the face of the earth. Sure Jeff Garcia looks like he's big one hit away from talking and looking like a white version of the 60 year old Muhammed Ali. But, that defense is sure scrappy. Derrick Brooks, a resurgent Chris Hovan, Cato June, Phillip Buchanon, Gaines Adams. I love the Bucs defensive swagger. That swagger will face up against the Panthers who barely eeked out a win against Atlanta, and it looks like Luke Wilson, I mean David Carr, might start. For these reasons, I love the Bucs!!!

3. I love the Charger to find the perfect remedy, a home game against the Cheifs!!! Look for Rivers, Ladanian, and Gates to get back on track against Herm Edwards and his Jim Tressel-esque red sweater vest. I'm glad Herm went to the sweater vest. Other NFL coaches I'd like to see in a sweater vest? Um duh people Jack Del RIo in that Teally green Jaguars color. I'd like to see Bill Belichek wear his ratty old sweatshirt as a sweater vest. i' dlike to try and fit Ravens defensive coordiantor Rex Ryan into a small sweater vest. Rod Mirinelli, Mike Shanahan, Dick Jauron in a sweater vest turtle neck combo. I could go on forever. The sweater vest won't save Herm this week. I Look for fans in San Diego to be excited about the win for 4 minutes before losing their flip-flops, buying a breakfast burrito, heading to the beach with their dog, and saying things like, 'right on man' or 'dude, I know'. Imagine if the Chargers were in New York or Chicago. Yikes! Bolts by 17!!!

2. I love the little Blue Ponies in Indy over the Big blue ponies. It's hard to dislike the Colts this season, but I still do. Bad little city, bad uniforms, way too many bad Peyton Manning commercials, and a bad stadium.But you know what the good news is for the Colts? They get to host the Denver Broncos and Jay "please allow me to pass off of one foot falling backwards" Cutler. The NFL Broncos are playing like real-life Colts and the NFL Colts are like real-life Broncos. The Colts have grown up into real life Broncos while the Broncos has regessed into real life Colts. What? Colts by 20!!!

1. I love the Doplh over the Raiders!!! Three words - captain, tiny,
digits. nuff said. Dolphs by 4!!!

Week 4 Motha' *&$^#@!!!!

Lets do this thing:

4. I Love the PANTS over the PIRATES WITH POOR HYGENE
It looks like David Carr will finally get the chance to proove that his life isn't a dismal failure. Given Steve Smith's rediculous skill, even a high crazy David Carr lobb should be good for 6. Plus, David Carr doesn't know what its like to play with any sort of protection at all. I still don't know if I believe in the Bucs. Any team that has the audacity to make one of thier colors Pewter deserves a little dissing. Pewter isn't a color, its a metalic alloy alright?

3. I Love tha IRON ORE PROCESSORS over the PEDOFILE PRIESTS
Pitt is the real deal, and now Kurt Warner is back for the Cards. Watch out Lars!!!! BRENDA WARNER IS BACK!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! I gotta say though, some of these throwback unis have been downright embarassing. Last week the Eagles took the field in powder blue and yellow bakery outfits and don't get me wrong, it was bad, but it was nowhere near as bad as the Steelers with yellow helmets the week before. My retinas are still burning

2. I Love the ELECRIC BOLTS over the NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBAL LEADERS
After starting the 2007 season with superbowl ambitions and playing toilet ball, I gotta think this is a sure fire win at home for the chargers. How much must it suck to be Norv Turner? Everybody in the world knows he sucks at his job and yet he keeps getting opportunites. He's like the on-call substitute teacher/head coach of th NFL.

1. I Love the COWSKULLS over the DIRTY BIRDS
Even without Andre Johnson, the Texans are far superor and should win, plus Matt Shaub gets to return to the stadium where he was benched for 3 years in favor of complete disaster. He's gonna put up 800 yards and maybe even throw a long bomb to himself.

4. Tenn at NewO
Holy carp!! Has anyone else noticed NBC's Sunday night football has tried to be like old school Monday night football. What with that blonde Faith Hill and her shrills of country Nascar-ness. I mean it's like a cat is slowly being lowered into hot magma. Every time that song comes on everyone in the room seems to stop what they are doing and mesmerize in the fantastic American circus of in your face poop.
Thank goodness for the new Monday night football on ESPN. Though Tony Kornheiser looks like a cult leader, the gang does kind of have a local network sounding flare that I think makes us Wolves fans remember the days of Trent Tucker and his off the wall antics, unafraid of Big network reprimands. Tennis E will win this game and take New Orleans off of everyone's 'maybe go to the superbowl' lists.

3.Arizone Holy Roman Cardinals at Baltibore Navens

The Battle of the birds. Two teams filled with nobodies, with the exception of Larry F-Gerald, who has been underutilized and over covered. I guess you could say Mcnair isn’t a nobody but really? Stve Mcnair sounds like a quarterback from the 1940’s playing on a team called the Helena Heathers of the Hunt Club at Huntington. He played with a leather helmet and sang old hymns while scrambling in the pocket. Though I like Zona this yr, I’m gona have to go with Heathers on this one. Rabid Ravens by 1

2.Ditanka paper moneys at Neo British Pajamas.

Patriots = new least favorite team ever. not only do they cheat, but I’m really getting sick of Bellichuck’s lazy crotch wardrobe. What a slob? I mean why so anti-suit? Why so anti-anything respectable? Maybe he needs baggy clothes because he suffers from priapism, an erector set lasting more than four hours. With that being said, New England Priapists by 70. I hate them but love them if you know what I mean.

1. Giants at Washskins

Kunstakademie Düsseldorf, 1987. I had just put on my houndstooth coat when I felt something gnawing on my shoulder. A new york giant was attempting to eat me whole. I noticed a white horse with an American flag painted on its side riding towards me. On it rode a Washington redskin dressed as a union soldier. He fired two shots at the Giant taking out both of his eyes. I’m a fan of the Giants like I’m a fan of entourage. Skins by 2.

WDYL, E! Entertainment News Style

1. Foreskins over Goliath- This matchup is totally reminiscent of the album release showdown between Kanye and 50 Cent. How much was the hip-hop community, of which I am a member, looking forward to such a historic, memorable day, Sept. 11. It's a day no one will ever forget. Just like Fiddy and Kanye's battle, one side, the Foreskins, will utterly dominate, and the other, the Giants, will have to fulfill their promise to retire if they lose. Apparently, after this day New York/New jersey will only have one team.

2. Bacos over JAG- How sexy is David James Elliott? So sexy that he can take a show originally conceived as Top Gun meets A Few Good Men (according to Wikipedia) and help it to rule the coveted Friday night, no-one-is-watching time slot for nine years. He is not sexy enough, though, to defeat the Bacos this weekend.

3. Pats over the Buff- The Pats are a model franchise, and the NFL is a copycat league. The Buffs try to take a page out of Belichick's book with some creative use of video, but Jauron screws it up and, rather than taping the Pats signals, he tapes So You Think You Can Dance in the Pats clubhouse. Buffs lose, but at least Jauron gets to watch Danny and Anya's stellar foxtrot.

4. Saints over Tits- Saints are playing like a team full of seventh-round draft picks, but they're too good to not start winning. Or are they? After all, no one thought they were going to be any good last year, and then they were. One year fluke, ala Dane Cook, or long-term powerhouse, ala Rob Schneider? I say Deuce Bigalow is in the HOUSE!!!

Super Lame Right Before Class Picks

4 - Saints over Tennis Shoes
3- Raiders of the Lost Art's over Brown's
2 - Pitt over San Fran
1 - New England over Buttalo

Sorry these were super lame. I'm ashamed of myself.

Poor Tavaris

4. Remember the Titans vs. Team Saints
This should be an exciting thriller for a monday night game on espn. The saints look sloppy and the titans almost beat the colts. This game is do or die for the saints. If they lose hey won't make the playoffs. Vince Young will donate a kidney to Steve Mcnair! I like the saints winning do to the operation.

3. Video Cameras vs. buffalkill
The patriots are so awesome because they cheat by using video cameras stealin signs. I also heard they were tapping into the other teams headsets! They are awesome! Give them credit for trying to win another superbowl. I know they were nervous week 1 against the jets so I'm glad they cheated to beat pennington! Cheaters always prosper! I like brady's body in this one.

2. Purple People Eaters vs. Arrowheads
Larry Johnson sucks compared to Adrian Peterson who will take over this game! Even though the Vikes lost to Detroit Rock City I feel they will bounce back. They may not have an amazing quarterback but now they say tight ends are the most important offensive weapon. Pat Williams will eat a football for dinner to give him a few more inches filling the gaps. Purple Pride wins

1. Smith vs. Dirty Birds
Panthers are sweet. Steve Smith is rad. Julius Peppers is winterfresh. Panthers are winners!

Week 3

4. Tenn over NO - Remember when Albert Haynesworth stomped on the guy's head? Yeah, good times.

3. Car over Atl - In the post-game interview, Joey Harrington is asked how he remains upbeat after his repeated failures in the NFL. A very awkward silence falls over the press room as he says, "It's not so bad. You have to remember I get paid to suck."

2. Cin over Sea - Craig Stadler takes Mike Holmgren's place as coach for the game. No one notices.

1. Det over Phi - Mike Holmgren replaces Andy Reid. Same response.

Dell Brings the Heat

4. I also go AINTS over TITS
Can't see how the Saints will loose 3 in a row to start the season. Expect the Gold and Black squad to take the field pumped up and ready to set the season right. Also, expect multiple references to Hurricane Katrina and K'Ville on FOX.

3. I digga tha CULTS over da COWSKAS
Can't remember the last time the Colts didn't start at least 6-0, so this should be a lock. Last week I might have thought differently because Shaub is the real deal, but without Andre Johnson they probably won't be able to compete in scoring.

2. I love the BOYS over da BERS
This is the best game of the week. Are the bears for real? So far the offense has been aweful but this game is the top 2 NFC showdown. Theres a million reasons to love the cowboys, and at least 1 big reason not to like the Bears (Grossman).

1. I love the SKINS over the GENTS
The Skins are a gritty grind it out squad. The Gents hold equal standing in my book with that brown discoloration ring in my toilet. I abhore the Giants and the idea of sad new yorkers overcome and blinded by thier sence of entitlement makes me smile. They are self destructing all ready and I love it. Love it. Can I get an amen?

Leggie Week 3 - Signing In

4. I love the Saints in a rebound game over the Titans!!! I can see losing in Indianapolis, and guess we’ll give a pass for the loss in Tampa, but the streak has to end on Sunday. It was only a year ago that the eyes of the sporting nation were fixed on New Orleans. Now they get centerstage against Vince Young and the Titans. Man, the wonderlick is right, VY just doesn’t have the mental fortitude for the NFL game. And the draft pundits were right, he’s not going to be able to outrun NFL linebackers. And he’s not going to be able to really succeed with that unorthodox release. Shame on you Mel Kiper. Saints have to have this one, and will get it. You can take the bag off your heads Saints fans. Saints by 3!!!

3. I love the Pants over the Falcons in Hotlanta!!! Did everybody see those Steve Smith highlights last week? Are you kidding me? This guy is approaching the NFL stratosphere in terms of guys you just want to watch. In the era of 6’5 receivers where tall and rangy is king, Steve Smith is just straight up more talented than anyone else. The most amazing thing is that he’s such and interesting guy while having such a ‘meh’ name. Steven Davis, Tim Brown, Joe Thomas, yup, Steve Smith is in good company. If I were him I’d change my name to Sparky Speedmonger. Let I sit for a little bit people. Pants by 14!!!

2. I love Pittsburgh over the 9ers!!! Yo, 9ers, I’ve got a song for you. “Gonna make you, make you, make you notice. Gonna use my arms, gonna use me legs.” Guess what, San Fran, you’re a pretender!!! Pittsburgh will pick you apart this week and further prove that we should just blow the NFC into oblivion. Pitt by 10!!!

1. Lastly, I love the Ray-dahs over the Brownies in the black hole. Theory at work here. Two of the worst teams in the league face off. They both have hopelessly ugly fans. They both. One team has a quarterback who played a significant role on the Trailblazers around the turn of the century. The other teams quarterback kind of look like the bad guy in Karate Kid. What does this all add up to? That neither of these teams strike me as the kind of team that can win two games in a row. Ergo…Raiders win at home by 10!!!

Week 2 is a Brees

4 Carol Channing over Houston's Nutts

3 Den over Bo Jackson's Former Team

2 Saint Louis over Saint Francisco

1 Dallas over My Hammy

Will Buffet Finally Figure Out the Scoring?

1. Stillers over Prairie Beasts- J.P. Losman seems more like your brother's crazy slacker friend than the starting QB for an NFL team. I especially enjoyed the press conference where he gave his expert medical opinion concerning Kevin Everett. Enlightening AND educational. Big Ben on the other hand is more British and clock-like. He is reliable, punctual, and eats smelly food. Stillers by 19.

2. Raves over JETS- Unexpected news alert: STEVE MCNAIR IS HURT. STEVE MCNAIR IS HURT. Also: CHAD PENNINGTON IS HURT. CHAD PENNINGTON IS HURT. I so didn't see either of these things coming. Next you're going to tell me that Flavor Flave and Deelishus didn't stay together. Yeah, whatever. Raves by 14.

3. Bears over Chiefs- This will be a fiercely competitive game. The Chiefs played awesomely against the mighty Texans last week. They looked fierce, losing a nail-biter by 68 points. Damon Huard has chicken legs. Bears by 16.

4. Rams over Niners- The Rams have lost Orlando Pace and his many pancakes, which come in many flavors and sizes. There are also shapes, including Mickey Mouse and smiley face. Nevertheless, the Niners have proven that they are the Not Ready for Primetime Players. I hope that all of you watched the Monday night game last week. I was asleep by the end of the first quarter and kept waking up to realize that some team was still stuck on the 34 yard line and no one else had scored. Rams by 10.

Ghosts rule

4. SF over StL - The 49ers are awful, but they have a new addition to the team, the ghost of Bill Walsh. No one can top that.

3. Dal over Mia - Don Shula is still alive, right? If so, the Dolphins don't have a chance.

2. Indy over Tenn - The Colts are white like ghosts.

1. NE over SD - Bellechick sold his soul a long time ago.

Baron Davis finds new job!

What if Baron Davis was a Vikings receiver!?!? What if?

Remember the Titans

4. Jackson vs. Gore
The big man Orlando Pace is gone making everyone who owns Steven Jackson in fantasy football nervous. I'm one of those guys so I need a big game from Jackson! The niners are young and hot! Not hot in a temperature way but sexy in a football way. Tomorrow they will be cold like the chill in a room of people watching face-off or broken arrow. I feel the rams have more to prove after their disappointing loss last week. Rams 24 niners 17

3. Denver Omelet vs. Oakland Invaders
This one is easy...Denver!

2. Jacksonville vs. Hotlanta
Garrard reminds me of a mature tavaris jackson. He will dominate the field through the air and the ground. Harrington will be traded to the texans for Schaub. Vikings hurt the Falcons pride last week with their purple pride. Pride is a poweful weapon in football. The Jags win

1.Baltimore vs. Jets
I like the D versus Pennington if he plays...baltimore is a scary team. For halloween i might be the entire defense for my costume. Does anyone have the team set of football cards so I can tape them to my shirt? Baltimore eats the Jets mascot which is actually not a Jet but a tickle me elmo doll...it's a bloody defeat!

Not feelin it style!

4. 9ers at ram-it-time
I picked rams last week so I'll pick 9niners to win this week. Mondays 9ers Cards game was oddly fun to watch. I did however get locked out of my apartment towards the end of quarter two, along with wife and cat. 1 hour, 1 locksmith, and $120 later we were back in. Enjoying Fitzgerald's definite lack of use - well done 9ners Defense. An awkward game indeed, yet strangely alluring. Go underdog – 9iners by 49 – too much!!

3. Denver vs Oak
I'm still hoping Selvin Young makes an appearance in Denvers running game and only wish Fantasy points increased the lower the player was ranked. Selvin was ranked lower than Vick but I have him and aint afraid to use him. Problem, I also have T Henry. So I cant really hope he gets hurt. Oak looked dirty as ever last week and look forward to Denvers cleen sweep. Hi-oh Denver by 13

2. Vikes vs Detrious
In time, our polymorphous Vikes can and will only begin to subdue the underlying elements of which the system must partake only to regurgitate upon it’s own shoes a sloth like creature willing, if by some Godly miracle, to pronounce this season as the season of all and any to drink at the frothy Super Bowl. Vikings by 11. cant’t wait .

1. Sanits vs Buccsa
The saints are so pissed off over their sad loss last week that they will surely go for the knee caps. I could go for another Golden Eye reference here but I’ll shift paradigms for a moment and touch base on boring games of the week. Saints vs Buccs. Who cares? i just had a seizure cause i looked at the baker confernece page. Saints by 56

Lets Do This, Vixen Style

How many times have we founds ourselves thinking, "Boy, what I wouldn't give to watch a bunch of overweight 45 year old lesbians play full contact football!" Well, thank the good lord, because now we can. Visit www.minnesotavixen.com to see. Could a rag tag group of untrained middle aged women beat the worst teams in the NFL? Maybe, because thats how bad they are. In honor of the Browns, Cheifs and Bucs, this week Dells picks have been brought to you courtesy of the Minnesota Vixen, Minnesota's professional womens football team. Here's the Vixen O-Line to introduce the Pics:

1. PANTS over the COWSKULLS
Here's Left Tackle Martha McMurry. Shes big on the ultra hot week one play of the Carolina Panthers, especially returning home against the Texans.








2. I Love the AINTS over the BUCS.
Lets just say that Big Connie here might protect Jeff Garcia better
than the Buccaneers OLine did last week. You have to admire Jeff Garcia for selling out so huge, leaving a real condender in Philly and a situation where he was finally seen as a genious QB for a crappy franchise. They're basically paying him to get smeared every game for the whole season.




3. I Love the BAGLES over the POOPSTAINS
Here's Janet "Big-Meat" O'Hallahan. She knows, just as I do, that the Browns suck a lot. They're actually bringing her in for a physical this week. A Browns win in this game would be nothing short of the most unbelievable upset of all time. No way the Bagles let the opportunity to beat up on the poor defenceless fat kid in the corner of the playground by himself slip by.




4. I Love the RAMS over the CRUSTY PROSPECTORS
For being a preseason favorite, the Rams sure looked crappy last week. I give them the home win here to get back on track. Go Vixen!

Legend Signing In - Week 2

I love the Rams over the 49ers!!!! The Rams let me down last week, when the usually dependable Stephen Jackson had nothing going, and the usually consistent Dan LeBatard couldn’t get his team into the endzone. What’s the perfect remedy? How about a Niners offense that is more likely to put you in a coma than score a touchdown. I do love that Niners defense though, mostly because of linebacker Patrick Willis who has the makings of a superstar in this league. With all the talk of cheating this week, it’s good to see that Patrick lost the bionic hand that he wore in college. He’s a stand up guy, who will lose in St. Louis this week, even though I’ve never liked the Rams. You wanna know why I’ve never liked the Rams? Because every time I see those gold and blue jerseys I think of Brenda Warner with her husbands haircut staring at me after every single play for three years. Has any pro-sports wife ever gotten this kind of face time? Oh yeah, Doug Christies wife. Rams by 3!!!!

I love the Ravens in a rebound game against the J-E-T-S!!!! After one of the strangest end to a Monday night football game that I have ever seen, you have to think that the Ravens will bounce back at home against a depleted Jets squad. Most exciting realization of Monday night – after about 7 years I figured out who Jonathon Ogden looks like. Now follow me here – Odgen is the love child of former Chicago Bull and Timberwolf Stacey King and the crazy wild-eyed 1982 version of funny man Richard Prior. Glad that one is sloved. Ravens by 10!!!!

I love the Bungels over the Brownies in the land of Cleve!!!! So you’re going to pay Ken Dorsey real American money to mentor Brady Quinn. Mentor him? Could we not come up with a better mentor? I have an idea Phil Savage – hire a real Quarterback coach!!! In the midst of a horrible quarterback situation in Cleveland, in comes a confident Bengals squad. The Bengals are riding high despite the worst Chad Johnson celebration ever. His Hall of Fame parka was shabby at best. Next time Chad wants to do that celebration, I’ll get my local preschool class to puff pant a smock for him and it would be a big improvement. Bungels by a TD and a half!!!

I love the Bears over the Chiefs!!! Hard for me to give the Bears any love but you can’t help but love their chances against the hapless Chiefs. A 45 point win should salve the wound caused by paying Mike Brown millions and millions of dollars to play one half a year for three straight years. The good news is that the Bears should only need 5 defenders available to kill that offensive line and confuse Damon Huard. Bears coast by 27 points!!!

Lamest possible way to begin a season

4. Meaning this one is worth four points and it's the pickem game which is Bolts vs. Rex Grossman. In this game the Bears are good but not on offense because Rex Grossman is their quarterback. The Chargers are good but not in coaching because Norv Turner is their coach. Fortunately for them, coaches don't have to tackle or run. Bolts by 6.

3. Pats over Jets. Tom Brady's beautiful butt chin had a baby this summer with his beautiful ex-girlfriend, making his even more beautiful current girlfriend beautifully jealous. Pats signed Randy Moss, which cancelled out all of Brady's beauty. Eric Mangini looks like he would eat Brady's baby for a win. However, the Jets aren't as good, so Pats win.

2. Pokes over G's. Remember that one time that Tony Romo dropped the ball and the Pokes lost? Don't worry, the Pokes opened up the checkbook and brought in a new holder. They definitely won't lose this year.

1. I'm not very confident, but I think the S-hawks, led by Pork Chop Womack, will knock off the Bucaneers, led by Not Enough Chromosomes Garcia. This is a matchup of two teams featuring unis with colors that didn't exist before they put them in their unis. It must be a powerful feeling to invent a color. If I did that, I would call it crimbum, and it would resemble all the edges of a magical rainbow.

Picks are so Passe

First of all, I think I understand the rules of this year's league about as well as I understand long division and the second Matrix movie. Maybe I'm an idiot, or maybe I'd understand better if I spent my time bending spoons and flicking my boogers at Keanue Reeves. I'm an idiot.

In my annual rite of starting off the season with long entries only to have them dwindle down to phone in picks to the Commish by the end of the season, I begin with...

4..I love the Steele over the Passed Gas in Solid Forms
I'm pretty sure I remeber seeing Romeo Crenell in a movie once. He was one of the crazed gorillas in the screen adaptation of Michael Crichton's "Congo". He ripped off the arms of people and ate their brains. Now if he could only suit up for the Browns, his team would still lose, but at least he'd be in a book I read in the 7th grade.

3...I love Allen Iverson over ....
The explanation that was supposed to match the title was going to be, "I love Allen Iverson over another notable proffesional basketball player from Green Bay." That was until I remembered that there are no other proffesional athletes in Green Bay other than Packers, and that the only good thing about Green Bay, is that it's going to hell first when the rapture happens, thus giving other heretics time to repent for their sins lest they be cast into the burning lake of sulphur with their cheesehead brethren. Depending upon your interpretation of scripture of course. (Philly over Green Bay)

2...I love Rain Inducing Depression over Sun Inducing Cancer
What happens when you mix the grunge of Seattle with the geriatrics of Tampa Bay? One hilarious sitcom. The king of Seattle is the landlord of 4 very naughty grandmas who are anything but nice. Tune in to catch this seasons hottest new ABC sitcom to be cancelled in 2 weeks, "How I Met Your Grandmothers".

1...I love the bears over Cargill

That sums it up nicely.

Feel My Heat

4. Cubs vs. Bolts!!!!
This one is too easy. I can still see all the bears fans faces... crying after their amazingly sad super bowl where the gave manning his first ring. The monsters of the midway are still depressed from their miserable Super Bowl appearence where only Devin Hester showed up to play. Now Mr. Hester has been converted to a wide reciever which takes away from the bears biggest strength, kick returns. My main man Gates will set the single game reception record for a tight end in this season opener. The chargers will win...bears fans will cry....again!

3. Eaglets vs. A.J. Hawk
The Packers are my least favorite team of all time. I'm actually mad that I have to even write about the packers but I'll deal with it. McNabb has something to prove this game. He is coming back from a torn acl and needs to show everyone he's got game. He also needs to prove to campbell's chunky soup his mother can still serve a mean dish. The pack attack is wack! They have no chance unless Farve wants the chunky soup deal! Eagles will dominate. Farve gets served!

2. Pitt Stains vs. Browns
Tomlin is the new head coach of the steel curtain, leaving the vikings to find a new defensive coordinator. I love that guy and don't think we'll find anyone like him again. Jamal Lewis is a turd leaving a Browns streak all over the field. I hate Quinn with a passion and I'm so happy the Vikings passed on him in the draft to take the amazing Adrian Peterson. Rothcheeseburger didn't ride a motorcycle this offseason so he'll back on top. Steelers win, Browns are still worthless!

1. Pats vs Pennington
I'm laughing outloud because Chad Pennington is still a starting quarteback in the nfl! The Jets are flying high right now with the addition of Thomas Jones but they are forgetting they still suck. The Patriots are winning the super bowl this year getting rid of dillion and adding amazing talent. Moss...worth a 4th round pick!(way to go vikes) Stallworth a stud...Thomas a stallion linebacker. The old gopher Maroney will destroy them being the featured back; 2 touchdowns 135 yards! Patriots win...Pennington gets cut, finds a new job at Great Clips.

Ram it Time

1. I love Saint Louis over Caroleena-hina
Not since Apocolypto have panthers looked so homo-erotical. I'm thinking particularly of the puppet panther they used in the panther attack scene. The puppets in Labyrinth were more believable, including Bowie's package. I'm a fan of Caroleena like I'm a fan of people who are proud to be from Carolina. If this match up was lyrics to a non-hippop rap tune it would go like this.

click pop goes the needle
Scratch it three time for me
Ram Ram Ram it.
Ram-a-dime-a-ram it time.

San Louis is in the kitchen
Ram it like you’re itchen
Ram Ram Ram it.
Ram it like a Bowie Package.
(see Bowie pic)

2. Detroit @ Oak I love Detroit
Not since madden 99 for N64 has the lions looked so good. Or maybe they don’t look good at all. it’s just that Oakland hasn’t looked this bad since I forgot to blow on my super tecmo Bowl cartridge and when I put it in the Raiders were all pink with jagged diagonal lines and text running across the screen. Up Up Down Down Suck It Raiders. I love Des Troit.

3. Tappy Bay vs See attel see hawks
TB has to be one of my least favorite teams. I don’t know why because I really love pirates. I think it was their logo circa 1986 with that salmon color scheme and that hermaphroditic head shape thing. whack is all I got to say. it looked like Lars’s third nipple with a feather sticking out of it. And then they switched it to a flag. So cooperate. I’m a fan of tampa bay like I’m a fan of Rachel Ray. I love SeaHawnks

4. Chicago at San Diego You-pick-um-I-Luv-um Diego
Prediction. Ladamian Tommilynson's forhead vein will burst mid spaz-run leaving Darren Sproles to get out of his ice bath and step it up, disappointing many first round fantasy winners. Diego will, however win. Anyways. I'm a fan of Chicago like I'm a fan of walking onto a non-moving escalator, “Hey the escalator is off but I’m still gona get on and walk it like it’s stairs. My eyes see that it’s off but my brain doesn’t believe me.” Awkward. I love Diego Chargicles.

Legend Signing in - Week 1

Good to have the band back together. Kasey, I hope your comeback is more sucessful than any of Shawn Kemps comebacks.

Let's get to it:

4. I love the Chargers over the Bears!!! San Deigo, will you accept this rose because I love you. they may have a new coach but all units are still intact and it's hard to dislike what this team can do on both sides of the ball. I can hear the Bear-huggers now, "But our D is awesome will shut down LT." Yes, your D is awesome, and they may neutralize Tomlinson, but this isn't the 06 Bolts. Enter Vincent Jackson. This speedy, lanky receiver is coming of age and ready for a break out season. He's also a legit number 1, which they haven't had in, well, I guess forever. BTW, I will never refer to number 21 as the popularized nickname that he has adopted. What the heck has happened to nicknames in the NFL? LT, LJ, T-Jack, TO? It's depressing. Ladanian should be the Bolt, Larry should be Grandmama, and To should be put to sleep. Chargers by 10!!!

3. I love the Steelers over the Hershey Squirts!!! It's not exactly going out on a limb but this one is easy money. As a purple fan I've got a lot of respect for Mike Tomlin, and he's got a lot of fun toys in Pittsburgh. See, Big Ben. That's a good nickname. It makes sense, it's easy to say. After watching Brady Quinn on draft day, his nickname might have to be Breakout Brady. I mean is it necessary to pick your bloody pussy zits on my HD screen. Steelers by 14!!!

2. I love the Tex-Mex over KC!!! Well I guess we'll find out exactly how bad David Carr really is. If Matt Schaub comes out of the gate strong, there are going to be a lot of angry Texans fans, that is to say, if there is such a thing as I Texan fan. I've never known one. Texans by 6!!!!

1. I love the RAMS over the Pants!!!!! This is based purely on watching the Pants in the preseason, where Jake Delhomme looked like a guy who just doesn't have it anymore. Speaking of guys who don't have it anymore, I give Stephen Jackson about 3 more years if he keeps shouldering this kind of load. I like Marc Bulger to have another great season. I also like him to look exactly like dan LeBatard. Rams by 10!!!!