Dell week Niner- NBA edition

It’s time ya’ll- break out your doorags, bicep arm bands, reebok pumps and those baggy shorts that almost qualify as pants….show off all the tats (especially the Chinese characters on your neck) and push that wristband up to mid-forearm. Crank the Dr. Dre and make sure your entourage is ready to paint the town after the game…. Yes, the NBA tips off this week. Hang on to your grills…

I LOVE the Falcors over the MotorCityKittys
Remember those jerseys that the hawks wore for half a season circa 1998 or so? They had a big hawk with out-stretched wings that wrapped all the way around the back of the jersey- The result looked sort of like a big cartoon bird giving a bear hug to these thugs. I’ve never seen anyone look more stupid and humiliated in a uniform-

I LOVE the Raaveens over the Bagles.
Now here’s a matchup worthy of NBA comparison. No other sport has so many thugs and unforgettable characters than the NBA, accept maybe the Ravens and the Bangles in the NFL this year. Think about it. Who else but Eddie Griffin could get busted for crashing his car, piss drunk, into another parked car at 3am because he was masturbating and watching porn on the DVD while driving? Who else but Carmelo Anthony could get caught multiple times with marijuana (that wasn’t his) at airport security? I could go on. And on.

I LOVE the Cowboys over the Skins
I remember the good old days in Dallas before Dirk Novitski, Mark Cuban and the flashy new logo with the horse on it. To me, the Mavs will always be the team that won only 6 games for a few years in row under Don Nelson with Jason Kid and his flattop, Renaldo Blackman and 8’9” center Sean Bradley, who basically did nothing but struggle to move his legs in coordinated fashion. On an unrelated note, the Redskins are basically the Knicks of the NFL with this philosophy- “Throw tons of money at crappy over-hyped players and sooner or later there has to be a championship”. Isn’t it sad these people run a business? Isiah Thomas will last this year and then get a job at Chic-Fillet.

I LOVE Barfallo over the Puckers
Some of you may not know this, but the great city of Buffalo New York used to have the Buffalo Braves, which subsequently moved to Atlanta where they started playing baseball and thus became the Atlanta Braves. It was an awkward transition. You’d never see anything like that today- those were the days.

I LOVE the Gents over the Cowskulls
Poor Texans. In 1984 the Blazers selected Sam Bowie #1 over Michael Jordan. We all know how that panned out. Lets just say the Texans passing on Reggie Bush is every bit as incredible and infamous. Mario Williams (or as Nat. Tres. Calls him “Bitch” Williams) has a lot of catching up to do in the realm of game turning TD’s, clutch catches, and kick returns.

I LOVE the EWES over the CHEFS!
Wowee- This should be a great game- Both of these teams have failed to convince me, but both could and should be lower level playoff teams barring a drop off- Give Damon Huard credit… Remember when Kenny Walker won the dunk contest in 1991 with that crazy windmill power jam? That has nothing to do with this game.

I LOVE da Bers over the Fins!
Bears fans, please don’t get too jazzed up on your team this week as they absolutely crush the Dolphins…. Does this game really even need to be played? I’m sure the Dolphins wouldn’t mind. The Bears just have that mean-streak don’t mess with me or I’ll bash your face in demeanor about them, kind of like KG after he hits a clutch shot (or any shot for that matter) and the TV camera follows him down the floor screaming “Mother F%@*er!!!!!”

I LOVE the TAMPONS over the AINTS!
The last weeks the Bucs have looked a lot like the Golden State Warriors in mid-season. They basically havn’t looked conistant or impressive at all, then they pull off a huge come from behind win and celebrate like they won the superbowl. Nobody is convinced.
Here’s to hopin they can continue the good vibes.

I LOVE the Jag-uwahs over the Teets!
Boy has Byron Leftwich tanked or what? Sort of like Grant Hill every single season when he touts his comeback and then has a season ending injury. I also see that he’s back with the Magic now- just like the good old days with skinny Shaq and Anfernee Hardaway when he was good.

I LOVE the Purp over the Crusty Old Prospectors!
Here’s to hoping that Mondays thrashin was just a brilliant stroke of Genious by Bill Belechic. Remember when Phil Jackson stuck Scotty Pippen on Magic during game 2 of the ‘91 finals and Magic basically didn’t score again? Nothing beats a great D and great coaching.

I LOVE the Bolts over the Poopstains!
Till recently Ladanian Tomlinson has been the Allen Iverson of the NFL, a ridiculously talented and unstoppable player on a team that was otherwise putrid. Fortunatly for LT things have turned around for the best. As for AI, we’ll see how much more he can take in the filthy latrine that is Philly.

I LOVE tha Bacos over the Gay Taconite Ore Prosessors!
Has there ever been a reigning world champion so bad as the Steelers about now? Maybe the Bulls after the whole team jumped ship with ring #6.

I LOVE the Pats over the Cults!
OK, I’m convinced. The Patriots are the Jordan to Payton Manning’s Craig Ehlo.

I LOVE the SHAWKS over the Ray-duhs!
What a terrible matchup on Monday night. I’d rather eat a bowl of speghettio’s, puke them up, and spend those 3 hours counting to see how many O’s survived in tact. Randy Moss is Chris Webber, 2 past-their prime stars who can’t run anymore being over paid to be shadows of their former selves- Seneca Wallace is Marty Conlan, the great Albino robot small-forward for the Celtics who was easily the most entertainingly awful player I’ve ever seen.

A-IGHT. Peace out homey.