Dell: This One goes to Eleven...

I can't believe its already week 11- the season is flying by and that makes me really sad. You know what else makes me sad? When I drop a piece of food on the floor just as I'm about to eat it and now I can't have it. That sucks. You know what else sucks? When I'm sleeping in and the sun is shining in the window and life couldn't be better and theres a crow outside my window going "AAAARRRRRRRAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAARRRRRRAAAHHHHHH!" Hey, speaking of Crows and black colored scavenger birds in general,

I LOVE the BLACKBIRDS over the FALCORS. It gives me some confidence to see that basically everyone else has mispicked the Falcors all season too- I still havn't picked them correctly. As for the Ravens, isn't it great that Tony Saragusa has found a career as the lovable famous fat ugly guy? If you passed tony on the street you'd think to yourself, "call Jenny Craig and get a haircut dude." To me, he's right up there with Dom Deluise and Wayne Knight (before his gastrobypas). Hey, speaking of fat guys, I just watched Supersize Me and learned that Houston Texas is the fattest city in America. Hey, Speaking of Houston

I LOVE the COWSKULLS over BARFALO. Hey, do you ever wonder why in all those western movies, the cowboys are riding across the desert and then theres like a cactus and a tumbleweed and a cowskull... no cow body, but just a skull? I sure do. Do the rabid Coyotes eat the body and leave the head? Did a little runt drag off the head to the shade of a nearby cactus when all the others where gorging on the belly? Hey, Speaking of ripping open the belly of poor defenceless prey,

I LOVE da BERS over the J.E.T.S.. You know what's one thing I love about flying on airplanes? It's using the little bathroom in the back with the tiny little sink. The best part is flushing the toilet, because theres the rush of blue water, the startling sound of jet engines and sucking noise at 258 decibles, and the instant pain to the center of your skull as the air presure messes with your eardrums. Then suddenly, just like that, the little metal cap closes and all is back to normal. Then you step out of the closet doors and right into the flight attendants preparing some pre packaged salads and bagels. Hey, speaking of bagels,

I LOVE the BAGLES over the AINTS. I recently heard that eating a bagel is like eating a whole loaf of bread. Boy, I could go for a loaf of bread right about now. Maybe some mayonaise, some deli sliced turkey breast and some provalone, a pickle wedge. Either that or some tuna.... hay, speaking of tuna,

I LOVE the PHINS over the PURP. I have 0 confidence in any aspect of the Vikings offence, and I refuse to pick them until they can prove that they can score, because really, whoever has the most points on the board at the end of the game usually wins. But seriously, I havn't had so little faith in something since I saw that pop up add telling me to click on the turtle and get a free IPod. Well, I clicked on the damn turtle and pretty soon I was involved in a multi-level pyramid scheme and an illegal vietnamese prostitution ring. It was just to good to be true..... Hey, speaking of Vietnamese prostitutes,

I LOVE the PATS over the PUCKERS! Yes, the Packers picked apart the Vikes last week, and in hindsight I can honestly say I had that feeling after the Pats beat the purp that the vikes would drop the next 6. Belechic has a way of exposing weaknesses, and now every team has the film. Bill, I'm willing to help. All you have to do is take out Donald Driver. Thats it. I can't even name another Packers reciever. Just take out Driver and you'll see the Packers turn to crap. Hey, speaking of crap

I LOVE the CHEFS over the RAY-DUHS! Just picture an unnaturally large, silver and black turd with an eyepatch. Now give it breasts and a motorola headset. It's Art Shell. Now get rid of the breasts and the headset and give it an afro, a big doobie, a car with a trafic cop plastered to the grill, and a bad attitude. Seriously, everybody knew it was only a matter of time before Randy became Randy again. Hey speaking of Randy, whatever happen to Randy the macho-man Savage? I havn't seen him snapping into a slimjim for a while now. I'm willing to bet he has fallen on hard times after quitting the roids cold turkey. I picture him in a Las Vegas highrise hotel room completely decked out in zebra pattern, wearing hot pink and florecent yellow spandex watching the weather chanel all by himself at 3am. Hey, speaking of losers wearing spandex,

I LOVE the Gay Taconite ORE Processors over the Skidmarks! I remember biking across the UP in 8th grade on a summer camp bike trip. One afternoon on a 85 mile day I had to crap so bad and there was no stopping, also, no way to clench my butt with the bike seat sliver up my crack and my legs pumping. Eventually, I just gave up. I figured I couldn't have crapped myself any worse, so I just got to the back of the pack and stayed downwind. When we finally did stop an hour or 2 later, I rode right to an outhouse and was amazed to find that the bikeseat had actually pinched the crap off. All that was there was a sizable skid mark. For whatever reason, I ditched my whities into the hole and rode commando for another 5 hours. My rear was so chapped I couldn't wear pants for 2 weeks. Hey, speaking of pants,

I LOVE the PANTS over the EWES! One of my favorite things to do at the Minnesota state fair is to visit the Animal Barn and see all the prize winning sheep. What I find facinating is the size of the testicles. Unbelievable. I also really like to people watch. There are so many crazy looking people blowing tons of money. One time I saw a bunch of Red Neck guys killing time before Lynyrd Skynyrd at the grandstand. One of them was eating half of a Pronto Pup off the street. Another was eating a peice of fried dough and wiping the grease on his shirt. Come to think of it, those guys might have beeen Lynyrd Skynyrd. Hay, speaking of nasty red necks,

I LOVE the UGLIES over the TEETS! You know, I find it Ironical that we've dubbed the mighty Titans the Teets, basically because we think that niples are funny and man they are, but seriously, is there any image more fitting to the Titans than a small, undernourished runt struggling to get at one of the many teets for sweet milk? Hey, speaking of teets on the smooth skined underbelly of a sow,

I LOVE the SKINS over the TAMPONS! Hey, speaking of nasty used feminine products and vomit in my mouth,

I LOVE the CARDS over the MOTOCITYKITYS! Arizona is like few other places in the US, except for Florida and Fort Worth Texas. The entire population consists of drunk college students and lots of old people who need the heat to live. They wear mixed plads, watch Matlock and play shuffleboard. They also play lots of golf and suck the water in the colorado river dry. Hey, speaking of old people,

I LOVE the SHAWKS over the CRUSTY OLD PROSPECTORS! I hear that San Fransisco is a pretty far out place. There's lots of free love going on. Also lots of LSD, Jefferson Airplane, Robin WIlliams movies and sourdough bread. It is a place full of mind-freeing ideas, and I'll admit it. Theres a part of me that wants to move there, live among the many homeless wearing nothing but a single sock and begging for fish at the warf. We'd take lots of mind-bending drugs, sing hippy songs, and worship the great mother starship Sha-booboo Sham-ah-nah who prepares a glorious orgy filled space rainbow for us. Hey, speaking of crazy religions,

I LOVE the CULTS over the BROKEBACKS! Wow, having a broken back would really suck. All you can do is watch daytime TV and observe the people who feed and clean you. I've heard of parapalegics who have shock therapy. Hey, speaking of shocks,

I LOVE the BOLTS over the BACOS! I lit myself up 2 weeks ago. One of the electric Pottery wheels in the art room stopped working, and I discovered that the chord had been shaved down to the wires and partially severed because it was tangled around the spinning base of a kick wheel. I found this out only after I had connected the curcuit through my body. I squeeled, loudly, like a little girl, and held onto the thing for a few seconds until I could let go. Then I stood and starred at the wall motionless with metalic tasting drool coming out of my mouth for a few minutes. Hey speaking, of spit,

I LOVE the GENTS over the JAG-OOO-WAHS! Is anyone else scared to death by Tom Coughlin? For all the attention Bobby Knight gets for grabbing his players by their necks, why isn't anyone going after Coughlin? I am sure he bitch slaps, busts a few nuts with his knee, and goes 3 stooges on his players in the locker room. Hey, speaking of wasting 4 hours on a who do you love posting......