Just for fun, Hometown Buffet

First of all, gents, thanks for the rant point, but we've got to step it up. Upon re-reading, I really fell it's pathetic for such lame collections of words to have been deemed tops last week. We need to start bringing our "A" game and giving 110 percent. What's happened to our standards? One day we will wake up and realize that we are no better than the Buff. I for one, pledge to strive for excellence in WDYL-dom from this day forward. Remember, there's no I in TEAM, but there is an I in EQUIPE, which is French for team.

Okay, here we go, rebounding from 4-37 last week with the help of analogies.

I LOVE the Factory Workers over the Disaster in the Desert- The Cards are similar to the movie The Island of Doctor Moreau starring a really disgusting-looking Marlon Brando. Basically in that they're both really horrifyingly bad.

I LOVE Cincinattica over the Fal-sucks - No team has had more promise for me but caused more problems for me in WDYL than the Fal-sucks. I'd say this is analogous to the role of Culver's in my life. Sounds good, usually leads to a rather vomitous feeling.

I LOVE the Aints over the Avens - NO's success is much like the David Hasselhoff video of his "Hooked on a Feeling" cover. In your wildest dreams you couldn't have wished for anything more appropriate.

I LOVE the Titties over the Cow-skulls - Kyle Vanden Bosch is much like me. We're both, that's right folks, devilishly handsome. And from Iowa.

I LOVE the Iggles over the Jumping Jax - I appreciate Lars' focus on the Iggles losing games they should have one while overlooking the fact that the Jax LOST TO THE FREAKING TEXANS LAST WEEK. This is similar to Nate labeling Red Auerbach's death sudden and tragic. Ageless though he was, he was 89 years old. What's tragic or SUDDEN about an 89 year-old dying. Oh, you S-bergs.

I LOVE the Chefs over the Fighting MCLs - I'd like to watch this game just to see my favorite ex-ISU QB Seneca Wallace finally play QB, particularly against Brodie Croyle. I would compare this game to the role of Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies after Richard Harris died. With him, it's magical. Without, you can't get over the feeling that Richard Harris shouldn't have drunk so much and shouldn't have made the Jaws ripoff Orca.

I LOVE the Bears over 9ers - The Bears D and Mike Brown's latest injury reminds me of Mike Tyson raping Miss Black USA contest Desiree Washington in an Indy hotel. Before, we're talking about greatness, immortality. After, we're wondering what could have been.

I LOVE the G-men over the Tampons - This one could go a number of ways. It's similar to last week's Stromberg Bowl. It's similar to week 1's Manning Bowl. But I'm thinking that Ronde Barber is very similar to Tiki Barber in that they really, really look alike. It's kind of creepy how much they look like the same person. Has anyone else noticed this?

I LOVE the Rams over the Bolts - This pick reminds me of doing a rant with nothing but analogies. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it will probably come back to bite me in the end, the ass end.

I LOVE the Colts over the Bacos - Lars complains about the Colts being predictable, and he's right if he means that Peyton Manning will stand in the pocket, run the most efficient passing game in the league, and pick apart your defense for 250+ yards. "Our offense is running great, but we should throw in some trick plays just to make sure people don't get bored with how successful we are. How about a quarterback draw?" I do think that Jake Plummer is analogous to the Black Egg in that they both should resurrect their wonderfully wonderful mustaches.

I LOVE the Unemployed Carthons over the J-E-T-S - This rant reminds me of anything that took two hours to do, then you have to do it all over again because your computer screws up, and the whole thing just might have been a questionable decision.

I LOVE the Pitts over the Oaks - Ben Rothlisberger evokes memories of Ghost Dad when Bill Cosby got hit by a bus and become a ghost that could only be seen with the lights off, except I don't understand that because light is necessary to see, so how could you see him when the lights were off unless he was his own light source, which I don't think he was. Anyway, I think that will probably happen is Big Ben on his way to the bus after the game.

I LOVE the Pants over the Cowboys - ESPN loves talking about Bill Parcells and loves loves talking about T.O. The way I feel about the two of them and ESPN's constant Cowboys coverage is similar to the way I feel about stinky farts, leftovers you're really looking forward to only to realize it has green fuzz growing on it, and American Idol.

I LOVE the Pats over the Vikes - My faith in the Vikes is analogous to my faith in Buff showing up and giving me a run for my money this week.

I'm exhausted. It takes a lot of effort to be this witty and creative. I need to go replenish my electrolytes and eat a protein bar.

May all no-shows have bad gas this week.

Lem