Dell Kicks A- week 7

Not since Manning verses Manning a few weeks ago have we seen such a fantastic showdown between 2 brothers. Does this competition test the bonds of our kinship and place us in a situation where we might just tear our lives apart to settle the age old question once and for all, who is the better brother? In a simple word, yes. Like Jacob, Lars has tried many times to steal his older brothers birthrite. Fortunatly for me, our father isn’t fond of goat stew and I am not that hairy. I proceed with football. Lars, eat my poop.

I Love the Pants over the Bagles!
This game represents Lars’ football mindset. He has always had a knack for underdogs and teams no one else actually likes. Thus, his undaunted love for the 92’ sonics, the 93’ suns, the Boston Bruins, pretty much the NHL in general, and until recent years when they actually got good, the chargers and the bangles. Brother, no more guts for picking an underdog? You make me sick…. I have no brother. Go Pants!

I Love the J.E.T.S. over the Motorcitykittys!
You gotta hand it to the Jets for maintaining the vintage uniforms. They aren’t afraid to look somewhat corny because they have fashion confidence. I remember one Christmas not to long ago when all Lars wanted was a pair of plaid wool pants. I must admit, I don’t understand…. Does anyone like the soothing itch of swassy wool against your upper thighs?

I Love the Pack over the Chuk-Lite Tuna in water!
What a joy it is to see Daunte sucking butt so consistently. One reason is because he has baby hands and can’t hold onto the ball- Lars also has the baby hands, easily 1 knuckle shorter than mine on each finger. You know what they say about guys with small hands….. Go Pack Go!

I Love the Jag-ooo-waahs over the Cowskulls!
When he was 8, Lars nearly cracked my skull when he pegged me between the eyes with one of those old school solid metal matchbox car fire trucks… One of the few times he ever inflicted serious harm on me without provocation or retribution.

I Love the Pats over Barfello!
I remember when Lars and I where kids on cross country family roadtrips. Lars always got carsick, so mom kept a roll of ziplock bags in the glove compartment. He used to throw up so often she got used to sealing his vomit in the bag and throwing it away at the next rest stop. One time in Michigan somewhere Lars was green but too embarrassed to ask for the bag, and finally he dove towards an open crack in the window and let her fly, caking the truck with bits of chicken nuggets, spegettios and oscar meyer meat products.

I Love the Uglies over the Tampons!
Lars and I went to the Vikings game against the Buccaneers a decade ago and witnessed firsthand Trent Dilfer getting ejected for fighting. I remember most people laughing and Lars spending over 25$ on a hotdog, nachos, a pop, a cotton candy, ice cream and another hotdog. He spent most the game walking back and forth from his seat.

I Love the Gay Taconite Processors over the Falcors!
Like the workers from America’s steel mills, Lars and I have also had our share of experience with the minerals of the earth. Every summer our rough housing in the lake on hot august afternoons eventually turned to spraying each other with sand. Lars would try to escape down the shore and I would cut him down like a world war 1 machine gunner…. Yet another image that will forever be etched in my mind. He would nail me in the face and the eyes, cry for mom, and snicker while I got yelled at for peppering him with sand.

I Love the Bolts over the Chefs!
Speaking of chef, Lars loves to cook and to eat. I remember when he was a svelt kid with a buzzed red haircut and aspirations of playing basketball in the NBA. He had a piece of lined notebook paper with the word “Varsity” written on it taped above his bed on the ceiling. Every night he would focus on his ultimate goal in life while drifting into sleep. He could have been a basketball star…. That is, until he participated in a weight gaining contest with his pal Ryan. He gained 30 pounds in 2 months by eating “lots and lots of Meat before bed”. Things have never been the same.

I Love the Bacos over the Poopstains!
I have a very vivid memory of Lars crapping his pants when he was 4 or 5. At the time he was in his PJs standing awkwardly in the living room on the brand new carpet and Dad just grabbed him, tossed him on his shoulder and ran upstairs, catching many runny chunks of crap as they dripped off his heals in his spare hand. This image is forever etched in my brain.

I Love the Cards over the Ray-duhs!
I remember collecting football cards of great Raiders like Howie Long and Bo Jackson. Lars meanwhile, was busy collecting autographed basketball cards from the likes of Calvin Upshaw, Brad Lohous, Doug Moe and Cotton Fitzsimmons. I used to go into his room to see what he was doing, and when I opened the door and he was sitting on the floor gazing at his autographs, a dence cloud of brown methane from his anus would nearly knock me over. If I had been smoking our house would have been blown to smithereens.

I Love the Purp over the SAWKS!
I like my team this week after the bye- All indications are that the Vikes will try to run all over the shawks. Lars has a great run in bball…. Both baby hands turned inwards shoulder level, boucing up and down with each stride. Will he sink the open three pointer 9 out of 10 times? Yes. Will he look absolutely ridiculous doing it? Yes.

I Love the Cults over the Injuns!
The Redskins have that compulsive habit for spending way too much money on way too many free agents and getting stuck with big salaries. My brother has an equally distructive habit of buying CD’s for one song. Not only does that leave him broke, but it leaves him with a crap load of CD’s he never listens to. Personally, I don’t mind. I just borrow them.

I Love the Gents over the Brokebacks!
You dare me to pick the Giants? Are you serious? Okay.

Love dell