Dell Week 5

Ahhh, week 5. We have a better understanding of the league- who’s legit, who not, and we finally got my brother’s NHL related picks. Boy, he sure does know a lot about Hockey huh? Boy, that’s great. Remind me to do my picks entirely in Mandarin Chinese some week Lars and you’ll understand how I feel. All apologies to Nat Treasure- He played me well in week 4 and submitted pictures of himself on the crapper and somehow lost. I feel partially responsible. This week the Mystery Man faces my wrath- eat it sucka. By the way, who IS the mystery man? Based on the previous entries, I’m betting he’s one of these guys:

Dave Coulier, Trent Lott, or Luciano Povarotti


Regardless of his true identity, he will eat my poop this week.

I LOVE da BERS over BARFELLO! Bears fans, ENJOY THE SEASON. Your club is dang good. They really don’t have a weakness. The Bills are tougher than they appear, but with the Bers at Soldier they will have serious troubles.

I LOVE PoPANTELONES over the SKIDMARKS! The Pants gotta nab a few wins while they can to stay in this thing- Now that Steve Smith is back, the Browns got troubles galore on Defense.

I LOVE the PURP over the MOTORCITYKITTYS! My brother is right, the VIKES offense is an exact clone of the Orton led 2005 Bers. It makes for horrible football. I gotta believe they will light up the awful Lions passing D (worst in the league) and get some big runs once the linebackers shift back in coverage.

I LOVE the PATS over MIAMO! Saying you’re a Dolphins fan is kind of like saying that you love Macy Grey. It proves that you like crap. Remember her cameo in Spiderman when the Green Goblin flew over the stage? That was sweet. Last weeks thrashing of the Bungles was amazingly impressive for the Pats. I don’t see this game being close. The Phins can’t touch the Pats with a completely immobile Daunte. It kind of reminds me of the Fridge taking on Minute Bol on Fox’s celebrity boxing. Minute Bol’s boxing skills certainly were nothing special but the Fridge was easily a hundred pounds overweight and could barely lift his arms. Plus, he couldn’t reach Bol with his stubby arms even if he could lift them. It was sad watching these guys stoop so low, but hey, that’s why we love FOX!


I LOVE the PUCKERS over the RAMRODS! So far, the Rams remind me a lot of Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker. Yes, they suck bigtime and no one believes they are legit musicians. Yet they sell a lot of albums and rake in the moola. Regardless of their suckyness, they have been successful and that’s all that matters. Uncle Kracker opened up for the counting crows a few years ago. He sang 2 entire songs 1/2 step flat. It was like getting an audio lobotomy. People were screaming boos. I do not like the Rams. The Pack figured something out in the first half against Philly before getting waxed, so I’m pickin the upset. GO PACK GO!

I LOVE NAWLINS over the TAMPONS! Another emotional return to the Superdome-The Saints win here. Does anyone else think it’s awkward to see this multibillion-dollar event going down in a city where people still can’t live or work? Who can afford these tickets? If it’s really all about bringing hope to the people, give all the tickets away to the poor blacks who lost everything and got moved to Utah against their will to live with mormons.

I LOVE the CULTS over the TEETS! Wow, the Colts have had some easy games at home. Payton’s runs have been just as consistent as mine after refried bean dip on game day.

I LOVE the RACIAL SLURS over the GIGALO GENTS! I love seeing the Giants struggling. You can tell that something or someone is going to explode soon. Tom Coughlin looks like he’s aged 10 years in the last 2 months. Remember when Jeremy Shocky said that his ultimate fantasy was a 3-way with a set of triplets? Wow, someone needs to teach him how to add. The skins have been rolling-

I LOVE the CHEFS over the CARDS! I have to think something from the 41-0 game last week will roll over into AZ. Plus, Matt Lienart is starting his first game, and he needs a little more time. The Chefs D stomped Denver and still lost.

I LOVE the JAG-YOU-WAS over the J.E.T.S.! I Jags am still dang good. I heard that assistant coach Tice really wants to trade for Randy Moss. That would be fantastic trade, just imagine that sweet football team with all their speed and teamwork adding Moss with his mouth, his pot, his Afro, and his walker. The guy is old and he’s done. I love that he has to suffer in Oakland. Fantastic.

I LOVE the CRUSTY OLD PROSPECTORS over POISON OAK! The 9ers may not be that great, but they are the better of 2 bottom dwellers. It’s a lot like getting dragged to Good Earth with my wife and having to choose between whole-wheat pasta with pumpkin sauce or an organic dandelion leaf salad with walnuts and wheat germ. It all tastes like sand, but at least the pasta has pasta and somewhat resembles food I actually eat. On a completely unrelated note, Am I the only one who thinks Art Shell is right up there with Phil Mickelson as guys who need a Manzere?

I LOVE the UGLIES over the BROKEBACKS! Might as well call this the Terrell Owens bowl. That Stadium is going to be so loud and McNabb is going to be so pumped to torch TO’s new team. All the hype goes to the Eagles.

I LOVE the BACOS over the RAVEENS! Nuf. Said. It ends this week for the Ravens.