Dell does the Battle of the Bros

Battle of the Brothers part Duex. The above picture (circa 1984) pretty much says it all. I love you baby brother, but as you would say, eat my poop.

I Love the SAWKS over the Crusty Prospectors!
Lars and I went to San Fransisco when we were in high school. I remember going to Alcatraz, the Fisherman’s Warf, and eating lots of Sourdough Bread. Mainly I remember how we drove all over the place trying to find a hard rock café’ so we could lay down $25 for a t-shirt. Brother, how retarded were we?

I Love the Brokebacks over the Falcors!
I broke my leg pretty bad my freshman year of college and I had to move home so Mom could help me get dressed and sponge bathe me. It was the most humiliating time of my life. Basically the only part of those 2 months I enjoyed was playing Madden 96’on Nintendo 64 everyday with Lars. He was often Keenan McCardell, who could not drop a pass on that stupid game. Unbelievable. He also was Jamal Anderson on the Dirty Birds and he would just keep pressing the trigger button and doing the spin/juke move over and over. He also beat me a lot. Bastard.

I Love the Raveens over the Poopstains!
Speaking of poop, lets just say that wherever Lars drops the duce there had better be good plumbing. He would spend 20 minutes in the can every time. I remember Mom seriously and with all earnestness saying to me one time, “I just think he has big poops.”

I Love the Puckers over the Kittys!
Lars and I have spent much time in the Dairy State over the years. We used to spend all day down on the dock rough housing. One time we started choreographing this elaborate fight that involved a lot of fake punches and body slams in the water. It all escalated into a climax where I nailed him in the face and he fell into the water off the end of the dock. After we practiced it for a long time we went full speed and it was awesome. The only mistake was at the end when my punch accedently connected really hard and instead of falling back into the water he just crumbled onto the dock.

I Love the Pates over the Cowskuls!
I do understand Lars’s devotion to the Patriots, being that we are born/raised New Englanders, but come on…. I honestly can’t remember any devotion to the Patriots. I remember routing heavy for the Bears over the Pats in 1985. I also remember thinking the super bowl shuffle was the raddest thing ever. Lars was already more into Basketball at that young age than anything else. In fact, if he watched any thing on TV it was his“Amazing Dunks and Basketball Bloopers” tape with that fat guy Frank Laden.

I Love the Teets over the Jags!
Speaking of teets, Lars has an extra nipple on his butt. Actually, It may medically be considered a birth mark, except it has the same nipple coloring and identical pepperoni size.

I Love Barfello over Mihammy!
As long as we’re on the subject of Lars’ butt and Buf, it should be noted that my favorite past time is wrestling with Lars in a pool or hot tub, than stealing his shorts and running away. One time I did this when he was 10 in a large public hot tub. From across the room I could see him hiding his shame beneath the bubble jets while 4 or 5 women proceeded to join him in the tub. They had no clue that this cute little red headed kid was pant-less. He was doing his best not to cry.

I Love the J.E.T.S. over the Purp!
There is one word that puts Lars over the edge….. Jimmy Hitchcock. Just say the word and he goes postal.

I Love the Gay Taconite Ore Processors over the Pants!
Speaking of gay pantelones, Lars has always had a peculiar fashion sense when it comes to trousers. I mentioned last time that all he ever wanted in life was a pair of plaid wool pants…. How about a pair of orange or pink jeans? Do you still wear those? Sweet brother.

I Love da Bers over the Tampons!
Lars and I were at the Vikings/Buccaneers game in 1997 when Trent Dilfer got ejected for tring to start a fist fight during the game. I think it was with John Randle. There are few stranger things than the sound of 60,000 confused people laughing at the same time and stopping suddenly. Wouldn’t you agree brother?

I Love the Bacos over the High Ranking Red Dressed Catholic Priests!
It would be impossible not to mention here Lars’ undying devotion to the Phoenix Suns of the early 90’s. We were somewhere in Wyoming on a family vacation watching the finals with the parents when Jim Paxon hit that big 3 to seal the ‘93 championship. Lars started crying. There was awkwardness, because we all wanted to smear his face in poop, and his little spirit was obviously bruised. What a sensitive little guy.

I Love the Uglies over the Gents!
I’ve only ever once been in the presence of pure, vomit-enducing ugliness, and that was when Mom and Dad took Lars and I to a resort in Cozumel for a family vacation in 1996. Little did they know that the entire resort would be filled with German tourists who love to go topless. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have been such a big deal to 2 high school boys, but these gals were all 60-70 years old and at least 300 lbs. We tried wrestling in the ocean but where so grossed out we just bobbed in the water and stared out to sea. I still get chills.

I Love the EWES over the Raydahs!
Speaking of wool pants…. When I think of the Raiders I think of Howie Long and Bo Jackson, and collecting football cards in 1990. We were living in Chicago at the time. The card shop was right next to “Land of Zah” Pizza. One time we ate there, and then came home and upchucked all afternoon. Until eating there I wasn’t aware that grease was an extra topping. Have you ever been so sick brother?

I Love Lars’ Bolts over the Chefs!
To me, Lars’ love for the bolts and never-ending need to prove that he likes the chargers represents something deeper. Maybe its genetic, maybe it was some childhood trauma I caused him, or maybe it’s that he’s always wanted to electrify people in his own way. I’ve seen those moments when he just can’t be all he wants to be, specifically on the Basketball court when he stands still in the corner past the 3 point line with hands in the air as if to say, “I’m open! I’m open!” and then he doesn’t get the ball. You can see the anger in his eyes, and it only makes him brick even worse when he actually does get a shot off. Brother, I believe in you. You have the inner electricity to change the world…. Believe in yourself.

I Love the Cults over SINci!
Talk about a team of thugs….. One of the Lars’ big scandals was when this big polish guy at Schinder’s Baseball Cards and Pornography shop accused an 8th grade Lars of stealing, and forever banned him from the store. To this day he claims his innocence, and everybody but me seems to believe him. Come on Brother, what really happened? Why was that guy so mad? Just think of how much you’ve missed on not being able to enter a Schinder’s for the last 13 years. Is it really worth it? IS IT REALLY WORTH IT??? LET IT GO!